Strong Work, Everyone

In the news…

Satanists to Hold Controversial Black Mass in Oklahoma

Raise your hand if you think the prayer campaign against it will do one bit of good? If Christians believe the man upstairs allows all things to happen and the bad is just a test of faith, then you’ll have to make peace with this, Oklahoma. It’s happening.

Bible-pushing Christians open the door for Satanic activity books in Florida schools

The U.S. courts have been clear: if a school distributes Christian literature, all other faiths are allowed to be represented as well. Atheists got this ball rolling a few months ago, now our delightful minions are following suit. Unintended consequences, anyone?

Prayer in School

The U.S. Courts have also ruled if a local or state government wishes to erect a Ten Commandments (or share other Christian demagoguery) in public space, they are required to make room for statues, memorials, or shrines from different faiths. Hence, atheists now have a bench near a courthouse in Florida and the Satanic Temple has entered their official request to erect a Baphomet statue near the Oklahoma statehouse.

Satanic Temple Baphomet

Their request has been stalled, though, seemingly on purpose. We have no doubt it will eventually wind its way through the courts until a) the Ten Commandments on statehouse grounds is removed, or b) their statue goes up. Either way we win, but not through taking away Bible quotes or shoving Satan in anyone’s face. No, we own the souls of the terminally self-righteous, those who are fighting so hard to be right they forget how to be tolerant and accepting of their fellow humans.

Pride really is our favorite sin here.

The Satanic Temple will build its first chapter house in Detroit

A little slice of Hell in America’s version of same. Plus the property values have got to be incredibly low. There was also a rumor the organization will open several new chapters, but the only evidence we can find is on a site that regularly gets their info from a direct source down here. You can bet your doomed soul we don’t trust that guy.

We should note the Satanic Temple is NOT the same group doing the black mass in Oklahoma, but that could be even scarier to the locals if they take a moment to consider there are TWO devil-worshiping groups vying for attention in their state. We have no idea why, Okies, other than to aggravate you. It’s much easier work to reap souls on the coasts. Maybe it’s the challenge.

Meanwhile, in Canada…

Oh, Canadians, taking such things in stride. A polite and accepting culture, that one. Come to think of it, there aren’t many Canadians here at all. Could be they’re so nice to stay out of this heat. No time to contemplate it, though. We have to get back to work making room for those of you who will be joining us soon.

By the way, we didn’t get Joan or Robin, not for lack of trying. Turns out the Almighty appreciates a kind heart overflowing with laughter, regardless of belief.

All Dogs Go to Heaven.

But cats rule in Hell.

Think about it: dogs will do anything to please the Master. They debase themselves regularly, with submission unmatched by any other household pet, solely for the amusement of a higher power. Even punishment for infractions like jumping on guests, chewing up furniture, and constant barking is better than no attention at all.

No, there is no pride in dogs.

Cats, however, are independent to the point of arrogance. Only cats have the gravitas to believe they can live without you to provide for them. The trick is they can, but why would they? They’ve got a great thing going. They can sleep comfortably, be fed daily, and misbehave at will.

Oh, yes they can. How many times does a cat get smacked? They don’t, because most of them don’t bother to misbehave in the first place. It takes a lot of energy to act out and most cats just aren’t interested. At worst, they get sprayed with water when they start clawing the furniture, but mostly they are forgiven instantly, the infraction forgotten nearly as quickly as it started.

No, when cats act up, you all draw up funny cartoons and animations about it.

Like dogs, some humans go to great lengths to submit to a higher power. Believing isn’t enough; they have to do tricks. Go to services regularly, pray up to five times a day, hate anyone who is different or believes differently, do volunteer work, take the literature literally, vote the way their told, and give their hard-earned money to the organization that claims to speak for the Master.

Yet even though they’ve learned every trick and can perform each one with near-perfect timing, their Master still debases them with ridiculous “tests” of loyalty.

You can’t have the maple bacon, but here’s some cancer, famine, natural disasters, car accidents, and war to test your faith. They suffer it all gladly, because even a beating with a rolled-up newspaper is better than being ignored.

On the other hand, some humans, like cats, truly submit to no one. They may act like it at times, but they know in their heart they’d get along just fine without someone or something lording over them every moment of the day. They don’t act out, because being a bad person takes a lot more energy than just being decent. Since they don’t ask anything of a higher power, there is no such thing as a “test;” their faith is in knowing This too shall pass, and it does…..because forgiveness comes quickly to those who give it to themselves.

Meow.