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In the news…

Satanists to Hold Controversial Black Mass in Oklahoma

Raise your hand if you think the prayer campaign against it will do one bit of good? If Christians believe the man upstairs allows all things to happen and the bad is just a test of faith, then you’ll have to make peace with this, Oklahoma. It’s happening.

Bible-pushing Christians open the door for Satanic activity books in Florida schools

The U.S. courts have been clear: if a school distributes Christian literature, all other faiths are allowed to be represented as well. Atheists got this ball rolling a few months ago, now our delightful minions are following suit. Unintended consequences, anyone?

Prayer in School

The U.S. Courts have also ruled if a local or state government wishes to erect a Ten Commandments (or share other Christian demagoguery) in public space, they are required to make room for statues, memorials, or shrines from different faiths. Hence, atheists now have a bench near a courthouse in Florida and the Satanic Temple has entered their official request to erect a Baphomet statue near the Oklahoma statehouse.

Satanic Temple Baphomet

Their request has been stalled, though, seemingly on purpose. We have no doubt it will eventually wind its way through the courts until a) the Ten Commandments on statehouse grounds is removed, or b) their statue goes up. Either way we win, but not through taking away Bible quotes or shoving Satan in anyone’s face. No, we own the souls of the terminally self-righteous, those who are fighting so hard to be right they forget how to be tolerant and accepting of their fellow humans.

Pride really is our favorite sin here.

The Satanic Temple will build its first chapter house in Detroit

A little slice of Hell in America’s version of same. Plus the property values have got to be incredibly low. There was also a rumor the organization will open several new chapters, but the only evidence we can find is on a site that regularly gets their info from a direct source down here. You can bet your doomed soul we don’t trust that guy.

We should note the Satanic Temple is NOT the same group doing the black mass in Oklahoma, but that could be even scarier to the locals if they take a moment to consider there are TWO devil-worshiping groups vying for attention in their state. We have no idea why, Okies, other than to aggravate you. It’s much easier work to reap souls on the coasts. Maybe it’s the challenge.

Meanwhile, in Canada…

Oh, Canadians, taking such things in stride. A polite and accepting culture, that one. Come to think of it, there aren’t many Canadians here at all. Could be they’re so nice to stay out of this heat. No time to contemplate it, though. We have to get back to work making room for those of you who will be joining us soon.

By the way, we didn’t get Joan or Robin, not for lack of trying. Turns out the Almighty appreciates a kind heart overflowing with laughter, regardless of belief.

Kony 2012

We have long known that the secret to creating a truly dangerous person is to destroy what they have and leave them nothing else to lose.

We have also known that those left with something to lose can be instilled with fanatical religious dogma – merely add a dash of power to whet the appetite, et voila! The great unwashed masses will do thy bidding.

So if you’ve ever wondered whether we’ve ever rooted for the other team, the answer is: of course we have. Case in point:

What the film fails to explain is that Kony, with a devoutly Catholic family, was not only an altar boy for several years, but also took over his late brother’s role as the town witch doctor. His brother’s death was OUR doing – a cashing in on a long-term soul sale in favor of “the bigger picture,” if you will. The Dark Lord sees all, as always.

Kony himself became more popular after a military schism in the 1980s, spawning his leadership of the United Holy Salvation Army, a force with unique cross-shaped formations that sprinkles holy water on the enemy.

After a light makeover in strategy and a name face-lift to the Lord’s Resistance Army, Kony went on to kidnap and make orphans of over 100,000 Ugandan children, in many cases forcing these children to kill their own parents. The loss of innocence and security simultaneously is rather fruitful; all Kony and his ilk do is kill two guardians with the creation of one baby sociopath stone.

While Kony claimed to be under the direction of voices from beyond which only he was privy to, once the seeds of religious determination and prophetic privilege are planted, there is no match for how the human imagination carries out such tasks as the religious purification of a people. We have only been there to guide him during “Holy Spirit” consultations before peace talks and his “pilgrimages” to hallucinate in the desert – just like we were with Christ himself – so when we say the Dark Lord is looking at “the bigger picture,” it is this: Kony’s interpretation of the good guy has netted a six-figure soul count for the rest of us.

Go team!

This kind of profitability margin is exactly what will carry us forward in our 2012 campaign. What we are looking for from you is to recruit prodigies with unseen levels of hopelessness, religious malleability, and a penchant for violence. The opposition is in favor of a major push to catch Kony and send him home to us, so over the course of the year we hope to groom the best candidate to carry on his legacy, hopefully on a more continental, and eventually global, scale. We need to ensure we are prepared to receive Kony and make a smooth transition to the next war crime leader without seeing the mass-scale productivity of murder, mutilation, abduction, rape, enslavement, and our preciously low levels of cannibalism, drop.

Invisible Children has sure done what they can, so now it’s time to do your part to educate others on the importance of our campaign. “As a registered not-for-profit, its finances are public. Last year, the organization spent $8,676,614. Only 32% went to direct services (page 6), with much of the rest going to staff salaries, travel and transport, and film production. This is far from ideal, and Charity Navigator rates their accountability 2/4 stars because they haven’t had their finances externally audited.” Utilize all of the modern tools at your disposal, dear friends; social media activism IS the wave of the future!

But we couldn’t do it without the help of our supporters and sponsors.

The Ugandan government, who props Kony up for his task. Trust us, no one could do what he does all alone.

Even Wonka Chocolates!

Yet who we really need to thank are the Ugandan people themselves. Their insistence on maintaining prehistoric superstitions, coupled with the rise of rampant, violent, fundamentalist-driven homophobia, have made it easy to call for the rape, maiming, and/or murder of people who don’t share beliefs.

All holy wars, from the Crusades to Hitler, start with the people.

Thanks, Uganda!

~ Helen Bacque

[Update April 3, 2012: A rather interesting assessment of the Kony 2012 campaign and its effect on Generations X and Y may be found here. ~ Ed.]