Pray the Gay Away

One Dr. Robert Spitzer was instrumental in removing homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM as it’s called in the field, in 1973. Until that time, being lesbian or gay, at least in the United States, was considered a certifiable condition of ill mental health. True fact.

In 2001, the same Dr. Spitzer performed a study which concluded that actively lesbian and gay people could effectively become straight. Nearly the entirety of the “Pray the Gay Away” movement – the workshops which tell gays and lesbians they can become straight with G-d’s help – was borne of this study.

Former mega-church pastor and gay meth head Ted Haggard underwent intensive “pray the gay away” treatment after being outed and subsequently losing his church in Colorado Springs. After three weeks, he insisted his urges were no more.

This was Haggard before the scandal:


And after:

Meanwhile, people like Marcus Bachmann happily take cash, including tax payer money via Medicare and Medicaid, to put unhappy gay and lesbian people through straight therapy. Their premise is gays and lesbians are not born that way and, since that makes their orientation a choice, anyone can choose to be straight.

The people who produce and promote these therapies largely rely on Dr. Spitzer’s 2001 study to prove their claims. Problem is, the study was deeply flawed. Dr. Spitzer himself has said as much himself and has tried to retract the study in full, to no avail.

If you’re asking yourself “Why are you sharing this information with me?” then good for you. You’re catching on to the fact that we always have an agenda.

We share this because the one scientific study that proved anti-gay therapy worked has now been repudiated by both the author and the establishment. Which means very simply that the “pray the gay away” folks no longer have a leg to stand on but their Bible.

What about that book, anyway? Besides the one verse somewhere in Leviticus – just one out of an entire tome, by the by – which says man shouldn’t lay with man, there are tons of other lessons to be had. Here are some, rather liberally borrowed from this web page. See if you can catch the theme.

Don’t hate people. Leviticus 19:17

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Leviticus 19:18

Do not oppress one another. Leviticus 25:17

“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.” Proverbs 3:27

Help your neighbor, if you can. Proverbs 3:28

Don’t devise plots against your neighbor, fight without cause, or imitate an oppressor. Proverbs 3:29-31

“Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” Proverbs Proverbs 10:12

“He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.” Proverbs 11:12

“Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” Proverbs 15:17

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” Proverbs 31:8-9

“Woe unto them that … turn aside the needy from judgment … Isaiah 10:1-2

Defend the helpless and oppressed. Jeremiah 22:3

“Execute true judgment, and shew mercy and compassions every man to his brother: And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.” Zechariah 7:9-10

“These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates: And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath.” Zechariah 8:16-17

That’s just the Old Testament. What sayeth the New?

“Love your enemies.” Matthew 5:44

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Matthew 7:1

Consider your own faults rather than criticizing others. Matthew 7:4

“Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.” Matthew 7:12

Forgive those who repeatedly offend you. Matthew 18:21-22

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Jesus quoting the original, Leviticus 19:18) Matthew 22:39

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (There it is again.) Mark 12:31

Love you enemies; do good to those who hate you. Luke 6:27

Treat others as you would like to be treated. Luke 6:31-34

Don’t judge or condemn others. Forgive those who have offended you. Luke 6:37

Love thy neighbor as thyself. (Again with the loving thy neighbor!) Luke 10:27

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. John 8:7

“Love one another.” John 13:34

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another.” John 15:12

Be kind to others. Romans 12:10

Show empathy toward others. Romans 12:15

Try to live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18

Love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. 13:8

“If there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (What, again?!) Romans 13:9-10

Don’t judge other people or cause them to fall. 14:13

“Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (Tired of hearing it yet?) Galatians 5:14

“Do good unto all men.” Galatians 6:10

Be kind and forgiving to one another. Ephesians 4:31-32

“Walk in love.” Ephesians 5:2

Be merciful, kind, humble, loving, and forgiving toward one another. Colossians 3:12-14

“…be patient toward all men.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Be gentle and patient with all others. 2 Timothy 2:24

Let brotherly love continue. Hebrews 13:1

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (We’re pretty tired of this one ourselves now.) James 2:8

“Speak not evil of one another.” James 4:11

Don’t judge other people. James 4:12

Don’t speak badly about others. 1 Peter 2:1

Those who love others are “in the light”; those who hate are “in darkness”. 1 John 2:9-11

“We should love one another.” 1 John 3:11

“Let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

“Love one another.” 1 John 4:7

“If we love one another, God dwelleth in us.” 1 John 4:12

“God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” 1 John 4:18a

“He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18b

“Love one another.” 2 John

“And of some have compassion, making a difference.” Jude 1:22

We’re happy to report that a good majority of you topsiders, including the people who claim to believe in that very book and all its teachings, don’t follow any of that advice. No, you judge and envy and hate and we just LOVE you for it.

Meanwhile, the gay meth head preacher we were sure was a shoe-in for a mansion next to the Lake of Fire here did this:

We certainly don’t care if you judge one another, so tell us: who is more likely to up our numbers here, the one who treats his fellow humans as barbarians and monsters who need fixing, or the man who forgives himself his own transgressions and changes his outlook to allow others to live their own lives and be judged later?

We thought Ted Haggard was a sure thing, but we’ve been quietly dismantling his special corner of Hell for months. Instead, we’re making way for Bachmann and his wife. SHE’LL be SO surprised!

The Power of Prayer

The actual quote is from a 1965 Peter O’Toole movie, The Ruling Class, but who cares? It’s the sentiment that matters.

What was the last thing you asked G-d for? Did you get it?

If not, do you think it was His will or are you intelligent, insightful, and caring enough to see He’s a bit busy?

Your arrogance never ceases to amaze us. Asking G-d for anything other than world peace and an end to starvation is, selfish, Selfish, SELFISH. So many people up there, suffering much more than you every day, every minute, of their short, hard lives…yet you ask the Almighty for the pettiest things.

“Please, let grandma live a little longer.”

“I beg you, oh Lord, don’t let the cop smell the alcohol on my breath.”

“If my team wins, I swear I’ll go back to church.”

Wars, earthquakes, famine, genocide, tsunamis, pandemics, tornadoes, car accidents, typhoons…He’s got an awful lot on His plate, doesn’t He? Grandma’s been around for a lifetime of the good life, especially if she was lucky enough to be born and grow up in the Western world.

You shouldn’t have been driving drunk. You know that. We know that. Everyone knows that.

Praying for help with a game, particularly one which serves no other purpose than to distract you from the horrors of the real world, is utter horseshit. You’d know that if you took the time to look around you or stopped to think about what it is you ask.

But no, you’ve been told that G-d answers prayer, and that He does – just not yours specifically and certainly not most of the time.

Here, let us put it another way:

So why not spend your precious time talking to yourself, then? You may even find the answers you sought are right there in front of you. After all, G-d helps those who help themselves.

When He doesn’t? We’re here for you.

The Power of Prayer

“Thank you, [REDACTED], for the chance to compete and use our talents through sports. Remind us that we are called to give our best and to finish the race while caring for others along the way. We humbly ask for your blessing on this day to help us overcome our opponents, the same ones who have beaten us each year of the last 10. This we pray in the name of [REDACTED], and of the [REDACTED], and of the [REDACTED] [REDACTED]. Amen.”

“Oh, dear [REDACTED], I pray to you in my heart of hearts that the knocking in my car won’t be something too expensive.”

“[REDACTED] [REDACTED], I know I don’t pray often, not as much as I should, but I swear to you I will from now on… I really need your help. Please don’t let the test come back malignant.”

Don’t you think the Big Kahuna, the Grand Poobah, the King of on High has better things to do than listen to your sorry-ass whine about how life isn’t working out the way you want it?

Praying that G-d is on your side means someone else suffers. The other team, the mechanic who needs the work to buy medicine for his kid, and the doctor who… yeah, we can’t explain why cancer exists, either. Some kind of cosmic joke, that one.

There is power in prayer, though, because each selfish one increases our multitudes here. So thanks for that. Couldn’t do it without ya.

~ Jack Yattering