What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?

Not that any of you will read it, much less pay attention to the lesson it attempts to impart, but click here to read a lovely guest article in Esquire from 2009.

Everyone, believer and heathen alike, should, because it speaks directly to so-called Christians about living like your Savior intended or some such. The way most of you have been acting toward women and the poor lately is enough to convince us it will never happen, but one of our favorite things is to forewarn you. That way when we meet, or Heaven forbid the end times arrive too soon, we can say some of our favorite words as we toss you into a pit of endless suffering and torment:

“We told you so.”

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

As the Bible story goes, the Good Samaritan was the only one who would help the traveler who had been beaten, robbed, and left for dead on the side of the road.

As parables in the Big Book go, it’s pretty boring, really; just another “love thy neighbor” morality tale in an entire tome filled to overflowing with that particular lesson. Yet no matter how many times the Nazarene preacher taught it, some of you still just. Don’t. Get. It.

Some examples from the recent news:

A woman returned a lost iPhone and was attacked by the phone owners.

A man was stabbed with a syringe as he tried to help an injured person.

An 86 year old woman who thought she was helping a car crash victim now has to live with the fumes caused by the “victim’s” mobile meth lab.

Oh, here’s a good one: an elderly Good Samaritan was beaten and then run over with her own car. We say around here that the road to Hell is paved with Good Samaritans; guess sometimes our minions take that a bit too literally.

So, if you’re compelled to help, we say go for it. You’ve learned to love your neighbor, unlike so many. Paradise awaits you and your loving, caring, giving heart.

Just beware: you may get to heaven a lot faster than you planned.

Pray the Gay Away

One Dr. Robert Spitzer was instrumental in removing homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM as it’s called in the field, in 1973. Until that time, being lesbian or gay, at least in the United States, was considered a certifiable condition of ill mental health. True fact.

In 2001, the same Dr. Spitzer performed a study which concluded that actively lesbian and gay people could effectively become straight. Nearly the entirety of the “Pray the Gay Away” movement – the workshops which tell gays and lesbians they can become straight with G-d’s help – was borne of this study.

Former mega-church pastor and gay meth head Ted Haggard underwent intensive “pray the gay away” treatment after being outed and subsequently losing his church in Colorado Springs. After three weeks, he insisted his urges were no more.

This was Haggard before the scandal:


And after:

Meanwhile, people like Marcus Bachmann happily take cash, including tax payer money via Medicare and Medicaid, to put unhappy gay and lesbian people through straight therapy. Their premise is gays and lesbians are not born that way and, since that makes their orientation a choice, anyone can choose to be straight.

The people who produce and promote these therapies largely rely on Dr. Spitzer’s 2001 study to prove their claims. Problem is, the study was deeply flawed. Dr. Spitzer himself has said as much himself and has tried to retract the study in full, to no avail.

If you’re asking yourself “Why are you sharing this information with me?” then good for you. You’re catching on to the fact that we always have an agenda.

We share this because the one scientific study that proved anti-gay therapy worked has now been repudiated by both the author and the establishment. Which means very simply that the “pray the gay away” folks no longer have a leg to stand on but their Bible.

What about that book, anyway? Besides the one verse somewhere in Leviticus – just one out of an entire tome, by the by – which says man shouldn’t lay with man, there are tons of other lessons to be had. Here are some, rather liberally borrowed from this web page. See if you can catch the theme.

Don’t hate people. Leviticus 19:17

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Leviticus 19:18

Do not oppress one another. Leviticus 25:17

“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.” Proverbs 3:27

Help your neighbor, if you can. Proverbs 3:28

Don’t devise plots against your neighbor, fight without cause, or imitate an oppressor. Proverbs 3:29-31

“Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” Proverbs Proverbs 10:12

“He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.” Proverbs 11:12

“Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” Proverbs 15:17

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” Proverbs 31:8-9

“Woe unto them that … turn aside the needy from judgment … Isaiah 10:1-2

Defend the helpless and oppressed. Jeremiah 22:3

“Execute true judgment, and shew mercy and compassions every man to his brother: And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.” Zechariah 7:9-10

“These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates: And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath.” Zechariah 8:16-17

That’s just the Old Testament. What sayeth the New?

“Love your enemies.” Matthew 5:44

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Matthew 7:1

Consider your own faults rather than criticizing others. Matthew 7:4

“Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.” Matthew 7:12

Forgive those who repeatedly offend you. Matthew 18:21-22

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Jesus quoting the original, Leviticus 19:18) Matthew 22:39

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (There it is again.) Mark 12:31

Love you enemies; do good to those who hate you. Luke 6:27

Treat others as you would like to be treated. Luke 6:31-34

Don’t judge or condemn others. Forgive those who have offended you. Luke 6:37

Love thy neighbor as thyself. (Again with the loving thy neighbor!) Luke 10:27

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. John 8:7

“Love one another.” John 13:34

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another.” John 15:12

Be kind to others. Romans 12:10

Show empathy toward others. Romans 12:15

Try to live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18

Love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. 13:8

“If there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (What, again?!) Romans 13:9-10

Don’t judge other people or cause them to fall. 14:13

“Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (Tired of hearing it yet?) Galatians 5:14

“Do good unto all men.” Galatians 6:10

Be kind and forgiving to one another. Ephesians 4:31-32

“Walk in love.” Ephesians 5:2

Be merciful, kind, humble, loving, and forgiving toward one another. Colossians 3:12-14

“…be patient toward all men.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Be gentle and patient with all others. 2 Timothy 2:24

Let brotherly love continue. Hebrews 13:1

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (We’re pretty tired of this one ourselves now.) James 2:8

“Speak not evil of one another.” James 4:11

Don’t judge other people. James 4:12

Don’t speak badly about others. 1 Peter 2:1

Those who love others are “in the light”; those who hate are “in darkness”. 1 John 2:9-11

“We should love one another.” 1 John 3:11

“Let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

“Love one another.” 1 John 4:7

“If we love one another, God dwelleth in us.” 1 John 4:12

“God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” 1 John 4:18a

“He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18b

“Love one another.” 2 John

“And of some have compassion, making a difference.” Jude 1:22

We’re happy to report that a good majority of you topsiders, including the people who claim to believe in that very book and all its teachings, don’t follow any of that advice. No, you judge and envy and hate and we just LOVE you for it.

Meanwhile, the gay meth head preacher we were sure was a shoe-in for a mansion next to the Lake of Fire here did this:

We certainly don’t care if you judge one another, so tell us: who is more likely to up our numbers here, the one who treats his fellow humans as barbarians and monsters who need fixing, or the man who forgives himself his own transgressions and changes his outlook to allow others to live their own lives and be judged later?

We thought Ted Haggard was a sure thing, but we’ve been quietly dismantling his special corner of Hell for months. Instead, we’re making way for Bachmann and his wife. SHE’LL be SO surprised!


Anyone who believes being gay, lesbian, bi, or transgendered is a choice has thought at least once in their own life there is a slight possibility they could be “turned.”

We know better: you who believe in such choice think about that possibility all the time. You wonder if or when the temptation will become just too great. You live in fear and dread of the day you’ll give in and join the radical LGBT agenda.

You may even go to great, offensive, unbelievable lengths to prove to the world you’re NOT GAY.

Problem is there is no gay agenda, unless you count being treated as equal human beings under the law an “agenda.” YOU all make up such nonsense as an excuse to hate those who are different from you, just as you did during the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the Civil Rights era.

You lot are so bloody predictable…..it’s boring, really. Someone comes along who questions or doesn’t fit the status quo and they are burned at the stake. It’s behavior that dates back to those first few generations outside the Garden, so it’s ho-hum to us. Another day amongst the primates. How droll. How banal.

We are not interested in those you martyr for your cause, whatever that cause may be. Obviously, we get very few of them here anyway.

No, we’re interested in YOU. The Haters. The ones who teach racism and homophobia to your kids so they are raised up to hate as well.

YOU are the ones who end up here. Your children, too.

But you’re only doing G-d’s will, right?

No, you’re doing what your priest or preacher told you to do. You are listening to another fallible human, a human just like you, but there is no doubt because they are holy men and their word comes from on high itself.

You really are no better than sheep, willing to spend your lives well-fed, kept from the wolves, and eventually led to the slaughter. There are no atheists in the abbatoir.

WE know what is in your priest’s or preacher’s mind and heart. Would you like a glimpse? Don’t you have an inkling already?

Perhaps you live under a rock…?

We should note it’s not just abuse of men and boys.

We could continue this all day, but then we would never get to our point:

If you constantly worry you could be “turned,” that you could somehow become gay as a life choice, you were probably BORN gay. Those born 100% heterosexual rarely entertain such thoughts, because they know they were born that way.

If your priest or preacher rails against your true nature, naming G-d’s punishment of hellfire and damnation as the only correct punishment for simply being who you are, you become envious of those who can be themselves. So envious, so hateful, you will refuse to listen to any scientific data on the subject.

In your envy – our second favorite sin, by the way – you will blame the foul tempters and temptresses around you, because it is their errant ways that, well, tempt you. They are always trying to make you give in to your perfectly natural, G-d-given instincts and feelings, aren’t they? So rather than understand and accept yourself – which your church, family, friends, and possibly your job would never allow – you will try to stamp out LGBT people.

Sometimes literally.


If there are no more out and proud gay people, YOU won’t be tempted to join them anymore.

Problem solved, yes?

Except they’re not going away. The martyrs you’ve created are only inspiring a stronger, more unified front against your fear and hatred. Isn’t it obvious the It Gets Better project was started in response to the loving, tolerant, forgiving nature of homophobes all over the world?

No? Well, no matter. Your continued fear of the different – alterophobia, it’s called – only benefits us.

Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law? Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. ~ Matthew 22:36-40

We bank on the fact that most of you can’t – or won’t – love your neighbor, let alone those who live a radically disparate life from you and yours. You can fake it to everyone there on the surface, but we’re on to you.

In case your sheep-training kicked in and you missed the point: being gay, lesbian, bi, or transgendered alone isn’t enough to end up in eternal torment, but being a hateful bigot most certainly IS.

See you when you get here.