Morals vs. Standards

Our friends (and future residents) over at Salon recently shared an interesting piece on the influence of Our Dark Lord on the sexual revolution of the 1960s. We are especially impressed the author shares a particular truth about the Satanic Church of the era. To whit:

“The church made no judgment about the morality of any sexual pursuit, advocating ‘the practice of any type of sexual activity which satisfy man’s individual needs, be it promiscuous heterosexuality, strict faithfulness to a wife or lover, homo-sexuality, or even fetishism,’ in short, ‘telling each man or woman to do what comes naturally and not to worry about it.’ Those looking to affirm their sexual appetites, whatever they might be, were welcome at the church; those actually looking to have sex were not. ‘There are some beautiful women that belong to the Church,’ claimed [church leader Anton] LaVey, ‘but they don’t have to come here to get laid. They could go down to any San Francisco bar and get picked up.'”

LaVey understood better than most that morals are one thing, standards are another. God expects sexual morals. He alone requires abstinence until marriage and then insists even then that sex be only for procreation. He asks celibacy of priests and nuns, knowing full well repression of natural desires breeds obsession with same and results in all manner of sadistic, fetishistic release. He alone calls adultery and homosexuality a sin. Here, we call it “Tuesday.”

We don’t insist on those morals, of course. Do what thou wilt and all that. Admittedly our standards are pretty low, what with all the tormenting and mayhem – when Our Dark Lord says a molesting priest is to be butt-fucked without lube for all eternity, it’s not like we have a choice to say “But I’m just not into him” – but you up there can maintain some dignity. Like choosing partners who practice safe sex, won’t gossip about a hookup to your social circles, share your particular proclivities, and don’t rape women who are too drunk to know what’s happening. (We see you, frat boy. There’s a nice Sigma Chi house here, filled with the perpetual screams of your rapist brothers. You’re gonna love it.)

What the church doesn’t want you to know is merely having sex outside of the rules doesn’t relegate you to Hell. Think about it: what kind of punishment would suit someone who worked hard, raised a family, went to church, paid his taxes, never hurt a soul, but liked to fuck? Orgasms that lead to eternal damnation? Who would punish someone like that, other than a giant douche?

So go forth and fulfill your appetites, children. Affirm your natural, God-given sexuality, with one partner, three, or a room full. Be any orientation that feels good and play with any gender you find hot. Delight in your delectable desires. Free yourselves from the God who gave you the ultimate pleasure of the flesh and then told you to only use it under certain parameters.

Because seriously, that guy is an asshole.

Objectivism, Satanism, & Conservatism

If you’ve read Ayn Rand and The Satanic Bible, you may have noticed some overlap in the two philosophies.

This is not a mistake. Anton Lavey, founder of the original Church of Satan and author of its holy tome, considered Rand to be his primary influence. He said Satanism, in his view, is “just Ayn Rand’s philosophy with ceremony and ritual added.”

Lavey’s brand of Satanism is, and has always been, a practical form of Objectivism.

Well, we knew that. Not much gets past us here. What did, surprisingly, is the current far right power structures in the United States – the Tea Party, neoconservatives, and even some Republican Presidential candidates – have embraced Objectivism as their economic philosophy of choice. This is surprising precisely because we didn’t do anything to point them in that direction.

It’s so nice when you lot do the work for us. Less oversight on our part, more residents as a result. It’s a win-win, really.

Of course, some have discovered the connection and have tried to sound the alarm…..

The Randian Fault That Could Shake Conservatism

Tea Party Owes More to the Church of Satan Than to Jesus

What have the Tea Party and the Church of Satan got in common? Answer: the sinister Ayn Rand

Rand and the Conservatism of Doubt (with video of Ayn Rand herself on the Phil Donahue show in the 1980s)

….but it seems to be of no avail.

You may have raced beyond our wildest plans with the Objectivism angle – and more power to you, especially when it benefits our roster at the final judgement – but we definitely know why the warnings aren’t working.

Don’t you?

The Dark Lord’s Doings

Dearest Heathens, Sinners, Acolytes, Worshipers, and Haters:

Old Scratch’s work is literally never done. This past month flew by as we were busy making all your afterlives well, absolute Hell.

LaVey and friends outdid themselves with the New Year’s Eve shenanigans. Hell’s King and Queen of 2012, Countess Elizabeth Báthory and Vlad III (Vlad Țepeş, better known as The Impaler), were crowned just before midnight and are now the co-chairs for next year’s event. Expect a medieval theme, replete with period-correct torture devices. Only the most sadistic for you, my children.

Salvador Dali managed to make his way down to see the current exhibition in the Hall of Heads. He says Heaven doesn’t have quite the color scheme or primal energy we do when it comes to art. He was on a day pass, so don’t get any ideas: you can’t just come and go as you please. Orpheus or Dali YOU are NOT.

Remodeling of the Third Circle will begin soon. Those gluttonous bastards in the U.S. are arriving heavier than they ever have before, so the whole place needs reinforcing. Walkways, roads, floors, everything. More and more of them die every day of obesity-related illness, but do they learn? Let’s hope not, am I right? I do take such great delight in their starvation torments, especially when coupled with extreme, muscle-tearing, bone-shattering exercise. Those whiners on The Biggest Loser have NO idea.

Finally, we weren’t supposed to get Steve Jobs, but the sanctimonious asshole mentioned to You-Know-Who that he knew about the Apple product sweat shops in China. Watch out Gates, or you’re next.

Have a lovely St. Valentine’s Day, whether you spend it beating / being beaten with clubs and then beheading / getting beheaded. That is how the martyr himself spent it, you know. Also, as is tradition, Hell’s Players will be performing the 1929 Mass(acre) all day and all night in the Aragon Ballroom. The password is “Capone.”

~ The Dark Lord

Idle Hands

In works of labour, or of skill,
I would be busy too;
For Satan finds some mischief still
For idle hands to do.

~ Isaac Watts
“Against Idleness and Mischief” (1715)

The only thing worse than idle hands is an idle mind.
~ Anton Szandor Lavey
Founder and High Priest of the Church of Satan
“Satan Speaks!” (1998)

Faith without question makes good sheep. Have you chosen your shepherd wisely?

There Is No Church of Satan

Not long after Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey died in 1997, his beloved organization experienced a schism.

Such problems occur when ideologies collide, but the situation is made worse when a strong, respected leader – the one person who held the whole shebang together – dies.

There are now several people who say they are the real heir to Lavey’s, and thereby the Church’s, legacy. The Church of Satan still exists, but now there is a Modern Church of Satan and a Redeemer Church of Satan as well.

Problem is, they’re all wrong. Boyd Rice, the provocative author, artist, musician, and iconoclast, is the one and only true heir to the Church of Satan, appointed by LaVey himself.

Trust us, WE would know.

A few years ago, Mr. Rice finally took his rightful place and wrote an open letter to the Church and its adherents. Read the entire letter at this link, but this is the important bit:

Consequently, my first official act as new leader and only truly ordained High Priest of the Church of Satan is to declare that the organization no longer exists. True LaVeyan Satanism only exists insofar as it is manifested in deeds – in life and living. Never in mere words. Elitism is self-defining, it is not a commodity that can be bought or sold for a few hundred dollars, or whatever the going rate is for a little, red membership card.

So there is no Church of Satan, kids. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something.