When you unfollow Me, I don’t think of it so much as losing a follower, as gaining a soul that will burn in the dark pit eternally.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) July 24, 2014
We’ve recently taken notice of a website titled “Laughing in Purgatory,” written by unbeliever(s) with a wicked sense of humor.
Of course we love godless anything, but what specifically brought our attention to the site was a recent post, The Nine Rings of Atheist Hell. Based on the nine circles in Dante’s famous Inferno *, it’s an excellent description of the problems encountered by current, first-world atheists. (Third world atheists, well…that’s another story.)
The Dark Lord himself was especially amused at the fifth ring, which is described as other atheists. We all know Hell is other people, but how many unbelievers understand they grate on each other in exactly the same way Christians do, that is by insisting their atheism is the one and only true atheism?
Divide and conquer: it works. Heretics split to form their own sects and entirely new forms of that old time religion are created, all based on pure faith theirs is the only way to Heaven. The Abrahamic religions even come from the same root, but if you ask any True Believer of two of those branches – Christianity and Islam – what they think of their cousins, you’re likely to get any answer from “They will burn in Hell” to “We should kill them all.”
Don’t even get us started on the Middle East. In fact, we didn’t start it: you are so easy to pit against each other we stopped doing it for you when Rome fell. We haven’t lifted a finger to promote any religion-based chaos state beyond that time. You alone will hate anyone who doesn’t look like you, pray like you, or really do anything at all like you. Tribalism, xenophobia, and savagery – your base nature makes our job easier. When we don’t have to make you do anything topside, we can then concentrate on our empire to accommodate the most brazen and hateful among you down here.
Hence, in-fighting among atheists is hardly surprising to us. It happens when any group gets large enough for members to start comparing notes about what is “right” and what is “wrong” for the group as a whole. Liberal atheists will take issue with conservative atheists, skeptical atheists will have a problem with atheists who still believe in ghosts, and feminist atheists will always cannibalize themselves because, well, that’s what feminists do. You are perfectly capable of dividing and conquering yourselves without our help.
You may not believe in us, but we certainly believe in you.
* Few but us know Dante was spot-on in his assessment of this place, including the man himself, who did not make it here due to a last-minute, death bed confession. Truly, we hate this loophole, but we’re not the ones who made it.
Of course you are, but you can still take this handy quiz and find out.
Hell is, indeed, a thriving epicenter of gay culture. From the article in The Onion:
Hell has been widely celebrated by gay rights leaders for its far-reaching acceptance of alternative lifestyles, and residents told reporters it is incredibly common to see a rainbow flag hanging over various shop awnings, in car windows, or atop thrones of blood-soaked bones and rotting flesh. Additionally, the Inferno’s Gay Pride Parade, held every July in the Second Circle, is noted for its extravagance and high attendance rate.
That’s not really a secret, is it? If gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people are condemned to Hell, what do you think they’ll do with – and to – the place?
Between you and us, the Pit of Ultimate Despair has never been so FAB-U-LOUS.
Money may be the root of all evil, but who needs cash or a GDP when you literally live on the screams of the damned?
It is a pretty funny video, though.