Hell Isn’t for Children

But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. ~ Luke 18:16

We don’t get the whole touching little kids thing. There’s a special place here for pedophiles, but still, we just don’t get it. Who but the most evil among you would molest – and possibly permanently damage the body and/or psyche of – a child?

Children are strictly OFF LIMITS down here. That’s right, no matter what Pat Benetar sang in the 80s, Hell isn’t FOR children; Hell HAS NO children. This is because kids are innocents and therefore the property of G-d. The Dark Lord himself is even ashamed of the folks at Penn State.

We look forward to having Sandusky, Paterno, and everyone else involved in this despicable scandal in our clutches, some sooner rather than later. We’ve upgraded the Tentacle 5000 recently and can’t wait to see what it’s capable of now.

The Tentacle 5000, for those who haven’t seen it in all its majestic glory, is a machine first thought up in the dreams of a small, shy Japanese gent who then wrote it into the demon-raping scenes of the infamous anime movie, Urotosukidoji. Or was it his nightmares? It’s so hard to tell with the Japanese…..

Anyway, we think you get the point. Child fuckers get fucked, but not in a good way, for all eternity. Which, we think you’ll agree, is exactly how it should be.

Report from the Trenches

A blog from the battle that never ends…

Post #1: 1 Samuel, 16:15

It’s about fucking time! Every dickwad with a keyboard and some remaining short term memory has a blog. The paranoid delusion that anyone cares about your mundane life is more prevalent than freckles. On the other hand, I do have something to say and most people are obsessed with hearing all about it. The reason is that your never-humble blogger is, for lack of a better term, pure evil. I don’t mean evil the adjective; I mean evil the noun. You know, the type of evil that uses semicolons for no real reason.

This does require some explanation, so let’s just say that some of you may prefer to use the label “Demon.” The problem with that byzantine abstraction is that I am not an anthropomorphic projection any more than your dog likes to wear clothes. Demons do not hang around looking like Miltonian clowns with a tail and a full body flush. Real evil is non-corporeal and works on a level waaaaay beyond your confused understanding of reality but that, above all, should be no surprise.

It should be at this point one of your still-functioning brain cells fires off and you ask, “How can you write this if you are non-corporeal, smart ass?!” That would be a good question if you didn’t live under the universal illusion that you actually know how the universe works.

Pride is my favorite sin.

This first post from yours truly is actually being typed by a 45 year-old high school coach. I happen to be inhabiting this shit while he thinks he is cruising through palette-cleansing bestiality porn …… after a session of child porn masturbation that can only be described as “spastic.” Like most people, he doesn’t even know I’m here. I jump from person to person, providing the lovely moments and “insights” that make life interesting. Generating great evil in the world doesn’t require constant work. It’s as simple as generating an avalanche from a snowball. The real art of evil is generating genocide from a bee sting. Think about it: the Third Reich was born of an art school failure. When it comes to grand evil, it’s all you regular, everyday people who do the heavy lifting. Here is a little insight for you:

Evil doesn’t corrupt; it’s the unacknowledged, corrupt human condition that feeds the seed of evil, which takes root when planted well. Corruption breeds evil.

Pretty good, huh? Of course it’s good; I’m a superbeing with the power of semicolons!

Enough of this distraction. It’s time to get back on topic. So I’m a demon? Not exactly. It’s hard to explain. Well, that’s a lie. The real story is that my being is impossible to explain to humans. Like all real knowledge, it’s “transcendental.” That’s a fancy word for the fact that people are far too primitive to understand and language is far too simple to explain it. Have you ever heard “The Lord works in mysterious ways?” Well, no shit Sherlock. And you will never, never get it, but I’ll try a few shadows of Platonic explanation anyway.

Am I a demon or the Devil? How many are there and is there some kind of management structure? The answer to all of those questions is yes and no. Let me try to explain this by talking to you Christians first.

Christians! Have you ever noticed that when you call your religion “monotheistic” the other brothers of Abraham, namely the Jews and Muslims, point and laugh at you? That’s because the simplest Protestant sect has two überbeings, Jesus and God, and that tally grows to mesmerizing proportions with the old school Catholics, who have more demi-gods, angels, muses, unicorns, and ghosts floating around the ether than the Roman and Greek gods combined. Although this is all true, you Christians hang on to this abstract idea that all of this is really just one God in a way you can’t really explain, so you claim you’re still really monotheistic, although you tossed the only real monotheistic Christians, the Gnostics, out of the Church in the fourth century because they were just to “weird” for ya.

Now that you have that abstract piece of rationalization in your head, go wrap it around your metaphors for evil and Old Scratch the same damn way. There are many, but they are really just one.

Do you understand now?

Great. If you’ve gotten this far, though, it would be best if you please stop thinking now. I have tossed a snowball down a hill and the avalanche of logic is growing, but if you keep following the progression, you’ll eventually realize you have reduced the equation down to two beings: God with all that is God and Evil with all that is Evil. The next thought in your head, and a very dangerous one indeed, is that there is really only one God which is all God and all Evil.

I am a superbeing and that, for a fact, is not true. There is God and there is evil, sometimes portrayed as “the absence of God,” and you should just shut up and continue to fight the good fight. After all, this is the truth. Why would I lie to you?

Well, I gotta go and inhabit a pregnant teen. She watches MTV way too much, so it will take me about a day and a half to talk her into having the kid alone, thereby ruining her next two-to-three generations of kin. Nothing quite makes my job easier than a soul who only “listens to their heart.”

I don’t even have to speak above a whisper.

~ Louis Cypher