A Rare Interview

Our Dark Lord took some time out from supervising the personal torments reserved for racists to talk with Stephen Colbert this week.

The more you know: just as a supernatural entity with a beard may not be the man upstairs, any creature with horns isn’t necessarily Satan.

Morals vs. Standards

Our friends (and future residents) over at Salon recently shared an interesting piece on the influence of Our Dark Lord on the sexual revolution of the 1960s. We are especially impressed the author shares a particular truth about the Satanic Church of the era. To whit:

“The church made no judgment about the morality of any sexual pursuit, advocating ‘the practice of any type of sexual activity which satisfy man’s individual needs, be it promiscuous heterosexuality, strict faithfulness to a wife or lover, homo-sexuality, or even fetishism,’ in short, ‘telling each man or woman to do what comes naturally and not to worry about it.’ Those looking to affirm their sexual appetites, whatever they might be, were welcome at the church; those actually looking to have sex were not. ‘There are some beautiful women that belong to the Church,’ claimed [church leader Anton] LaVey, ‘but they don’t have to come here to get laid. They could go down to any San Francisco bar and get picked up.'”

LaVey understood better than most that morals are one thing, standards are another. God expects sexual morals. He alone requires abstinence until marriage and then insists even then that sex be only for procreation. He asks celibacy of priests and nuns, knowing full well repression of natural desires breeds obsession with same and results in all manner of sadistic, fetishistic release. He alone calls adultery and homosexuality a sin. Here, we call it “Tuesday.”

We don’t insist on those morals, of course. Do what thou wilt and all that. Admittedly our standards are pretty low, what with all the tormenting and mayhem – when Our Dark Lord says a molesting priest is to be butt-fucked without lube for all eternity, it’s not like we have a choice to say “But I’m just not into him” – but you up there can maintain some dignity. Like choosing partners who practice safe sex, won’t gossip about a hookup to your social circles, share your particular proclivities, and don’t rape women who are too drunk to know what’s happening. (We see you, frat boy. There’s a nice Sigma Chi house here, filled with the perpetual screams of your rapist brothers. You’re gonna love it.)

What the church doesn’t want you to know is merely having sex outside of the rules doesn’t relegate you to Hell. Think about it: what kind of punishment would suit someone who worked hard, raised a family, went to church, paid his taxes, never hurt a soul, but liked to fuck? Orgasms that lead to eternal damnation? Who would punish someone like that, other than a giant douche?

So go forth and fulfill your appetites, children. Affirm your natural, God-given sexuality, with one partner, three, or a room full. Be any orientation that feels good and play with any gender you find hot. Delight in your delectable desires. Free yourselves from the God who gave you the ultimate pleasure of the flesh and then told you to only use it under certain parameters.

Because seriously, that guy is an asshole.

A Message from the Dark Lord

Alright, who alerted the media to the new hole?

Is the Portal to Hell Opening Up Under Wisconsin Right This Very Minute?

Jesus H. Christ on that CRUTCH he called a CROSS……can we not get ANYTHING done around here without every topsider knowing what’s happening?!

This had better be sabotage from on high, because if it isn’t, I have a VERY special place reserved for loose lips. Ask the Rosenbergs. Or Mata Hari, for that matter.

Oh, no, wait; you can’t ask them. They haven’t stopped sucking demon dick since they got here. My bad. But just so you know, the acid-for-blood idea Cameron had for those Alien movies was MY idea. We’ve been doing it for millennium……but it ISN’T blood.

Someone call that rat bastard at Praetorian Roofing and get him on the cover up. AGAIN. And tell him I’d better NOT see a bill for services.

Ingrate.

When You’re Evil

The Dark Lord has a lot of minions to do his dirty work. Voltaire isn’t one of them, but he certainly seems to know a lot about it.

I pledge my allegiance, to all things dark
And I promise on my damned soul
To do as I am told, Beelzebub
Has never seen a soldier quite like me
Not only does his job, but does it happily.

It’s kind a theme song down here, especially for those with topside permits. Doing evil is rather easy, or at least you lot make it that way.

Your tears are all the pay we’ll ever need.