Super Satanic Spectacle

As was predicted here in Hell as the event progressed just a couple of months ago, the truly batshit insane among fundamentalist Christians have deconstructed Madonna’s halftime show and decided it’s chock full of Satanic content. This rumor is spreading as as fast as their little hands can type it and includes comparison imagery to “prove” the story.

We don’t work quite so blatantly around here. Our schtick leans more toward the smaller, easier-to-get temptations, like hours on Facebook instead of paying attention to your kids, miscounting change to a customer and pocketing it, or having an affair while your wife battles cancer. The ostentation known as the Super Bowl halftime show just isn’t us.

In the time it would take us to plan, implement, and ensure all those millions of eyes were on the pop stars during everyone’s favorite annual sporting spectacle of excess, we’d have a billion souls in our pocket, so why bother? It’s so much easier to get one of you to tell a homeless guy “Get a job!” than it is to put together a production of that magnitude. Remember, sloth is one of the deadlies, and we are experts at it.

Besides, most of that imagery isn’t Satanic at all. It’s Egyptian, Masonic, Pagan, Roman … even Kabbalah, even if it was involved, is Jewish, not Satanic. Though there was a time when Jew and ultimate evil were interchangeable terms in a lot of people’s minds.


1940 German propaganda film poster

Those were the days … six million people murdered. Again, not our idea, but implemented so well, it made the Father of Lies proud. He still speaks of it with a wistful look in his eye.

So, to reiterate, we had absolutely nothing to do with this year’s theme for halftime at the Super Bowl. We’ve got much more interesting and efficient ways to accelerate our population growth.

What we will neither confirm nor deny is whether the show was created specifically for our benefit.

L-U-V, Madonna indeed.

Report from the Trenches

A blog from the battle that never ends…

Post #1: 1 Samuel, 16:15

It’s about fucking time! Every dickwad with a keyboard and some remaining short term memory has a blog. The paranoid delusion that anyone cares about your mundane life is more prevalent than freckles. On the other hand, I do have something to say and most people are obsessed with hearing all about it. The reason is that your never-humble blogger is, for lack of a better term, pure evil. I don’t mean evil the adjective; I mean evil the noun. You know, the type of evil that uses semicolons for no real reason.

This does require some explanation, so let’s just say that some of you may prefer to use the label “Demon.” The problem with that byzantine abstraction is that I am not an anthropomorphic projection any more than your dog likes to wear clothes. Demons do not hang around looking like Miltonian clowns with a tail and a full body flush. Real evil is non-corporeal and works on a level waaaaay beyond your confused understanding of reality but that, above all, should be no surprise.

It should be at this point one of your still-functioning brain cells fires off and you ask, “How can you write this if you are non-corporeal, smart ass?!” That would be a good question if you didn’t live under the universal illusion that you actually know how the universe works.

Pride is my favorite sin.

This first post from yours truly is actually being typed by a 45 year-old high school coach. I happen to be inhabiting this shit while he thinks he is cruising through palette-cleansing bestiality porn …… after a session of child porn masturbation that can only be described as “spastic.” Like most people, he doesn’t even know I’m here. I jump from person to person, providing the lovely moments and “insights” that make life interesting. Generating great evil in the world doesn’t require constant work. It’s as simple as generating an avalanche from a snowball. The real art of evil is generating genocide from a bee sting. Think about it: the Third Reich was born of an art school failure. When it comes to grand evil, it’s all you regular, everyday people who do the heavy lifting. Here is a little insight for you:

Evil doesn’t corrupt; it’s the unacknowledged, corrupt human condition that feeds the seed of evil, which takes root when planted well. Corruption breeds evil.

Pretty good, huh? Of course it’s good; I’m a superbeing with the power of semicolons!

Enough of this distraction. It’s time to get back on topic. So I’m a demon? Not exactly. It’s hard to explain. Well, that’s a lie. The real story is that my being is impossible to explain to humans. Like all real knowledge, it’s “transcendental.” That’s a fancy word for the fact that people are far too primitive to understand and language is far too simple to explain it. Have you ever heard “The Lord works in mysterious ways?” Well, no shit Sherlock. And you will never, never get it, but I’ll try a few shadows of Platonic explanation anyway.

Am I a demon or the Devil? How many are there and is there some kind of management structure? The answer to all of those questions is yes and no. Let me try to explain this by talking to you Christians first.

Christians! Have you ever noticed that when you call your religion “monotheistic” the other brothers of Abraham, namely the Jews and Muslims, point and laugh at you? That’s because the simplest Protestant sect has two überbeings, Jesus and God, and that tally grows to mesmerizing proportions with the old school Catholics, who have more demi-gods, angels, muses, unicorns, and ghosts floating around the ether than the Roman and Greek gods combined. Although this is all true, you Christians hang on to this abstract idea that all of this is really just one God in a way you can’t really explain, so you claim you’re still really monotheistic, although you tossed the only real monotheistic Christians, the Gnostics, out of the Church in the fourth century because they were just to “weird” for ya.

Now that you have that abstract piece of rationalization in your head, go wrap it around your metaphors for evil and Old Scratch the same damn way. There are many, but they are really just one.

Do you understand now?

Great. If you’ve gotten this far, though, it would be best if you please stop thinking now. I have tossed a snowball down a hill and the avalanche of logic is growing, but if you keep following the progression, you’ll eventually realize you have reduced the equation down to two beings: God with all that is God and Evil with all that is Evil. The next thought in your head, and a very dangerous one indeed, is that there is really only one God which is all God and all Evil.

I am a superbeing and that, for a fact, is not true. There is God and there is evil, sometimes portrayed as “the absence of God,” and you should just shut up and continue to fight the good fight. After all, this is the truth. Why would I lie to you?

Well, I gotta go and inhabit a pregnant teen. She watches MTV way too much, so it will take me about a day and a half to talk her into having the kid alone, thereby ruining her next two-to-three generations of kin. Nothing quite makes my job easier than a soul who only “listens to their heart.”

I don’t even have to speak above a whisper.

~ Louis Cypher