Strong Work, Everyone

In the news…

Satanists to Hold Controversial Black Mass in Oklahoma

Raise your hand if you think the prayer campaign against it will do one bit of good? If Christians believe the man upstairs allows all things to happen and the bad is just a test of faith, then you’ll have to make peace with this, Oklahoma. It’s happening.

Bible-pushing Christians open the door for Satanic activity books in Florida schools

The U.S. courts have been clear: if a school distributes Christian literature, all other faiths are allowed to be represented as well. Atheists got this ball rolling a few months ago, now our delightful minions are following suit. Unintended consequences, anyone?

Prayer in School

The U.S. Courts have also ruled if a local or state government wishes to erect a Ten Commandments (or share other Christian demagoguery) in public space, they are required to make room for statues, memorials, or shrines from different faiths. Hence, atheists now have a bench near a courthouse in Florida and the Satanic Temple has entered their official request to erect a Baphomet statue near the Oklahoma statehouse.

Satanic Temple Baphomet

Their request has been stalled, though, seemingly on purpose. We have no doubt it will eventually wind its way through the courts until a) the Ten Commandments on statehouse grounds is removed, or b) their statue goes up. Either way we win, but not through taking away Bible quotes or shoving Satan in anyone’s face. No, we own the souls of the terminally self-righteous, those who are fighting so hard to be right they forget how to be tolerant and accepting of their fellow humans.

Pride really is our favorite sin here.

The Satanic Temple will build its first chapter house in Detroit

A little slice of Hell in America’s version of same. Plus the property values have got to be incredibly low. There was also a rumor the organization will open several new chapters, but the only evidence we can find is on a site that regularly gets their info from a direct source down here. You can bet your doomed soul we don’t trust that guy.

We should note the Satanic Temple is NOT the same group doing the black mass in Oklahoma, but that could be even scarier to the locals if they take a moment to consider there are TWO devil-worshiping groups vying for attention in their state. We have no idea why, Okies, other than to aggravate you. It’s much easier work to reap souls on the coasts. Maybe it’s the challenge.

Meanwhile, in Canada…

Oh, Canadians, taking such things in stride. A polite and accepting culture, that one. Come to think of it, there aren’t many Canadians here at all. Could be they’re so nice to stay out of this heat. No time to contemplate it, though. We have to get back to work making room for those of you who will be joining us soon.

By the way, we didn’t get Joan or Robin, not for lack of trying. Turns out the Almighty appreciates a kind heart overflowing with laughter, regardless of belief.

We Believe in Atheists

We’ve recently taken notice of a website titled “Laughing in Purgatory,” written by unbeliever(s) with a wicked sense of humor.

Of course we love godless anything, but what specifically brought our attention to the site was a recent post, The Nine Rings of Atheist Hell. Based on the nine circles in Dante’s famous Inferno *, it’s an excellent description of the problems encountered by current, first-world atheists. (Third world atheists, well…that’s another story.)

The Dark Lord himself was especially amused at the fifth ring, which is described as other atheists. We all know Hell is other people, but how many unbelievers understand they grate on each other in exactly the same way Christians do, that is by insisting their atheism is the one and only true atheism?

Divide and conquer: it works. Heretics split to form their own sects and entirely new forms of that old time religion are created, all based on pure faith theirs is the only way to Heaven. The Abrahamic religions even come from the same root, but if you ask any True Believer of two of those branches – Christianity and Islam – what they think of their cousins, you’re likely to get any answer from “They will burn in Hell” to “We should kill them all.”

Don’t even get us started on the Middle East. In fact, we didn’t start it: you are so easy to pit against each other we stopped doing it for you when Rome fell. We haven’t lifted a finger to promote any religion-based chaos state beyond that time. You alone will hate anyone who doesn’t look like you, pray like you, or really do anything at all like you. Tribalism, xenophobia, and savagery – your base nature makes our job easier. When we don’t have to make you do anything topside, we can then concentrate on our empire to accommodate the most brazen and hateful among you down here.

Hence, in-fighting among atheists is hardly surprising to us. It happens when any group gets large enough for members to start comparing notes about what is “right” and what is “wrong” for the group as a whole. Liberal atheists will take issue with conservative atheists, skeptical atheists will have a problem with atheists who still believe in ghosts, and feminist atheists will always cannibalize themselves because, well, that’s what feminists do. You are perfectly capable of dividing and conquering yourselves without our help.

You may not believe in us, but we certainly believe in you.

* Few but us know Dante was spot-on in his assessment of this place, including the man himself, who did not make it here due to a last-minute, death bed confession. Truly, we hate this loophole, but we’re not the ones who made it.

Satanic Mingle

If some enterprising entrepreneur up there wants to actually start a service like this, you have our blessing. Of course, a Satanic dating site is probably less controversial these days than Atheist one, which means less free advertising by way of bad publicity.

But don’t let that little detail stop you. You’d have the power of Hell on your side. How could you lose?