Who Ordered the Eight Corvettes?

The Bad News: there’s going to be a delay in delivery.

Sinkhole Swallows 8 Cars at National Corvette Museum

They don’t seem to have made it further than a few feet underground, let alone to the Receiving Department (Third Level, near Accounting).

The Good News: the demon who gummed up this operation is now hanging by the back of her skull in the Main Lobby. Feel free to come by and torment-at-will – implements and hors d’oeuvres provided. Cash bar!

Vengeance Is Yours

An actual ad on Craigslist in Austin, Texas reads:

Needed: Vengeance Demon (Austin)

I would like to employ a Vengeance Demon to do what they do best. Details will be given upon background check and proof of demon identity.

First off, demons aren’t just at anyone’s beck and call. There’s no Demons ‘R’ Us store; you have to learn the rituals and call them forth yourself. You lot up there have always been too lazy to do the work necessary to get one of your own, even though all it takes in the 21st century is a simple Google search. Seriously, how much easier can we make it for you?

All that said, it is true demons do their best work there in the U.S. It is one of the most fertile hunting grounds for souls and Texas, in particular, is a lot like Hell, so demons feel right at home. Plus hyper-religious Southern states are rife with people who want to be led unto temptation, so, to put it in the local vernacular, where you are is easy pickin’s.

You probably already know a Vengeance Demon and don’t even realize it, so we took the liberty of investigating your situation and yes, it’s true, one is actually very close. Closer than you think, in fact. And the reason you want one at all is simply delightful… we won’t share more in a public forum such as this, but the Dark Lord himself is most amused. Simply delicious, friend. Full of so many deadly sins and awful thoughts we’re thinking you may one day reign with us down here.

Hence, we’ve chosen to waive the usual ceremonial duties for you just this once. All you need do is meditate for a minimum of 30 minutes on one or more of the many names: Lucifer. Beelzebub. Abaddon. Lord of Darkness. Father of All Lies. Satan. Bringer of Light. Mammon. Son of Perdition.

Afterward, the first person you see will be the Vengeance Demon. Try not to act too surprised. Startling a demon is never a good idea.

Satanic Mingle

If some enterprising entrepreneur up there wants to actually start a service like this, you have our blessing. Of course, a Satanic dating site is probably less controversial these days than Atheist one, which means less free advertising by way of bad publicity.

But don’t let that little detail stop you. You’d have the power of Hell on your side. How could you lose?

What Did You Expect?

Hell is, indeed, a thriving epicenter of gay culture. From the article in The Onion:

Hell has been widely celebrated by gay rights leaders for its far-reaching acceptance of alternative lifestyles, and residents told reporters it is incredibly common to see a rainbow flag hanging over various shop awnings, in car windows, or atop thrones of blood-soaked bones and rotting flesh. Additionally, the Inferno’s Gay Pride Parade, held every July in the Second Circle, is noted for its extravagance and high attendance rate.

That’s not really a secret, is it? If gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people are condemned to Hell, what do you think they’ll do with – and to – the place?

Exactly.

Between you and us, the Pit of Ultimate Despair has never been so FAB-U-LOUS.