Of course, the media keeps calling it a statue of Satan himself, which we find endlessly amusing. Just as the voice of G-d would render your puny minds to jelly, so would the actual visage of Our Dark Lord. But do go on, WXYZ-Detroit, about the recent unveiling.
A rather balanced report, wouldn’t you say? I’d share who in power is on our side there, but you know as well as we do: everyone in power is on our side.
We’ve recently taken notice of a website titled “Laughing in Purgatory,” written by unbeliever(s) with a wicked sense of humor.
Of course we love godless anything, but what specifically brought our attention to the site was a recent post, The Nine Rings of Atheist Hell. Based on the nine circles in Dante’s famous Inferno *, it’s an excellent description of the problems encountered by current, first-world atheists. (Third world atheists, well…that’s another story.)
The Dark Lord himself was especially amused at the fifth ring, which is described as other atheists. We all know Hell is other people, but how many unbelievers understand they grate on each other in exactly the same way Christians do, that is by insisting their atheism is the one and only true atheism?
Divide and conquer: it works. Heretics split to form their own sects and entirely new forms of that old time religion are created, all based on pure faith theirs is the only way to Heaven. The Abrahamic religions even come from the same root, but if you ask any True Believer of two of those branches – Christianity and Islam – what they think of their cousins, you’re likely to get any answer from “They will burn in Hell” to “We should kill them all.”
Don’t even get us started on the Middle East. In fact, we didn’t start it: you are so easy to pit against each other we stopped doing it for you when Rome fell. We haven’t lifted a finger to promote any religion-based chaos state beyond that time. You alone will hate anyone who doesn’t look like you, pray like you, or really do anything at all like you. Tribalism, xenophobia, and savagery – your base nature makes our job easier. When we don’t have to make you do anything topside, we can then concentrate on our empire to accommodate the most brazen and hateful among you down here.
Hence, in-fighting among atheists is hardly surprising to us. It happens when any group gets large enough for members to start comparing notes about what is “right” and what is “wrong” for the group as a whole. Liberal atheists will take issue with conservative atheists, skeptical atheists will have a problem with atheists who still believe in ghosts, and feminist atheists will always cannibalize themselves because, well, that’s what feminists do. You are perfectly capable of dividing and conquering yourselves without our help.
You may not believe in us, but we certainly believe in you.
* Few but us know Dante was spot-on in his assessment of this place, including the man himself, who did not make it here due to a last-minute, death bed confession. Truly, we hate this loophole, but we’re not the ones who made it.
“The church made no judgment about the morality of any sexual pursuit, advocating ‘the practice of any type of sexual activity which satisfy man’s individual needs, be it promiscuous heterosexuality, strict faithfulness to a wife or lover, homo-sexuality, or even fetishism,’ in short, ‘telling each man or woman to do what comes naturally and not to worry about it.’ Those looking to affirm their sexual appetites, whatever they might be, were welcome at the church; those actually looking to have sex were not. ‘There are some beautiful women that belong to the Church,’ claimed [church leader Anton] LaVey, ‘but they don’t have to come here to get laid. They could go down to any San Francisco bar and get picked up.'”
LaVey understood better than most that morals are one thing, standards are another. God expects sexual morals. He alone requires abstinence until marriage and then insists even then that sex be only for procreation. He asks celibacy of priests and nuns, knowing full well repression of natural desires breeds obsession with same and results in all manner of sadistic, fetishistic release. He alone calls adultery and homosexuality a sin. Here, we call it “Tuesday.”
We don’t insist on those morals, of course. Do what thou wilt and all that. Admittedly our standards are pretty low, what with all the tormenting and mayhem – when Our Dark Lord says a molesting priest is to be butt-fucked without lube for all eternity, it’s not like we have a choice to say “But I’m just not into him” – but you up there can maintain some dignity. Like choosing partners who practice safe sex, won’t gossip about a hookup to your social circles, share your particular proclivities, and don’t rape women who are too drunk to know what’s happening. (We see you, frat boy. There’s a nice Sigma Chi house here, filled with the perpetual screams of your rapist brothers. You’re gonna love it.)
What the church doesn’t want you to know is merely having sex outside of the rules doesn’t relegate you to Hell. Think about it: what kind of punishment would suit someone who worked hard, raised a family, went to church, paid his taxes, never hurt a soul, but liked to fuck? Orgasms that lead to eternal damnation? Who would punish someone like that, other than a giant douche?
So go forth and fulfill your appetites, children. Affirm your natural, God-given sexuality, with one partner, three, or a room full. Be any orientation that feels good and play with any gender you find hot. Delight in your delectable desires. Free yourselves from the God who gave you the ultimate pleasure of the flesh and then told you to only use it under certain parameters.
You need someone at which to point a finger, right?
It’s funny how much of humanity blames our boss when things go awry. No, he doesn’t bring tornadoes, famine, tsunamis, or other disasters. The rest of us are much too busy preparing for the arrival of the victims of such strife.
You do know that natural disasters are also known as “Acts of God,” right? Force majeure (literally, “superior force”) is the legal term in the original French which is still included in most insurance policies and corporate contracts.
If you still wish to play the blame game, however, remember that in the Big Book, God kills 2,476,633 men, women, and children, not including those who perished during the big flood.
Satan’s count is a whopping ten. Just ten people in the entire tome and guess what?
ALL OF THEM WERE KILLED WITH GOD’S PERMISSION.
Stew on that the next time you’re praying for someone upstairs to save you as the hurricane blows or the waters rise.
You’ve got some people who love you, some people who fear you, and some people who don’t even think you exist… nobody calls you by the same fuckin’ name… some people think you have multiple personalities and refer to different things you do by different names. Sometimes, people get so crazy that they start killing each other in your name, neither side realizing that the other guys are really following the same entity.
Everyone, believer and heathen alike, should, because it speaks directly to so-called Christians about living like your Savior intended or some such. The way most of you have been acting toward women and the poor lately is enough to convince us it will never happen, but one of our favorite things is to forewarn you. That way when we meet, or Heaven forbid the end times arrive too soon, we can say some of our favorite words as we toss you into a pit of endless suffering and torment:
As was predicted here in Hell as the event progressed just a couple of months ago, the truly batshit insane among fundamentalist Christians have deconstructed Madonna’s halftime show and decided it’s chock full of Satanic content. This rumor is spreading as as fast as their little hands can type it and includes comparison imagery to “prove” the story.
We don’t work quite so blatantly around here. Our schtick leans more toward the smaller, easier-to-get temptations, like hours on Facebook instead of paying attention to your kids, miscounting change to a customer and pocketing it, or having an affair while your wife battles cancer. The ostentation known as the Super Bowl halftime show just isn’t us.
In the time it would take us to plan, implement, and ensure all those millions of eyes were on the pop stars during everyone’s favorite annual sporting spectacle of excess, we’d have a billion souls in our pocket, so why bother? It’s so much easier to get one of you to tell a homeless guy “Get a job!” than it is to put together a production of that magnitude. Remember, sloth is one of the deadlies, and we are experts at it.
Besides, most of that imagery isn’t Satanic at all. It’s Egyptian, Masonic, Pagan, Roman … even Kabbalah, even if it was involved, is Jewish, not Satanic. Though there was a time when Jew and ultimate evil were interchangeable terms in a lot of people’s minds.
1940 German propaganda film poster
Those were the days … six million people murdered. Again, not our idea, but implemented so well, it made the Father of Lies proud. He still speaks of it with a wistful look in his eye.
So, to reiterate, we had absolutely nothing to do with this year’s theme for halftime at the Super Bowl. We’ve got much more interesting and efficient ways to accelerate our population growth.
What we will neither confirm nor deny is whether the show was created specifically for our benefit.
One Dr. Robert Spitzer was instrumental in removing homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM as it’s called in the field, in 1973. Until that time, being lesbian or gay, at least in the United States, was considered a certifiable condition of ill mental health. True fact.
In 2001, the same Dr. Spitzer performed a study which concluded that actively lesbian and gay people could effectively become straight. Nearly the entirety of the “Pray the Gay Away” movement – the workshops which tell gays and lesbians they can become straight with G-d’s help – was borne of this study.
Former mega-church pastor and gay meth head Ted Haggard underwent intensive “pray the gay away” treatment after being outed and subsequently losing his church in Colorado Springs. After three weeks, he insisted his urges were no more.
This was Haggard before the scandal:
Meanwhile, people like Marcus Bachmann happily take cash, including tax payer money via Medicare and Medicaid, to put unhappy gay and lesbian people through straight therapy. Their premise is gays and lesbians are not born that way and, since that makes their orientation a choice, anyone can choose to be straight.
If you’re asking yourself “Why are you sharing this information with me?” then good for you. You’re catching on to the fact that we always have an agenda.
We share this because the one scientific study that proved anti-gay therapy worked has now been repudiated by both the author and the establishment. Which means very simply that the “pray the gay away” folks no longer have a leg to stand on but their Bible.
What about that book, anyway? Besides the one verse somewhere in Leviticus – just one out of an entire tome, by the by – which says man shouldn’t lay with man, there are tons of other lessons to be had. Here are some, rather liberally borrowed from this web page. See if you can catch the theme.
Don’t hate people. Leviticus 19:17
“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Leviticus 19:18
Do not oppress one another. Leviticus 25:17
“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.” Proverbs 3:27
Help your neighbor, if you can. Proverbs 3:28
Don’t devise plots against your neighbor, fight without cause, or imitate an oppressor. Proverbs 3:29-31
“Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” Proverbs Proverbs 10:12
“He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.” Proverbs 11:12
“Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” Proverbs 15:17
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” Proverbs 31:8-9
“Woe unto them that … turn aside the needy from judgment … Isaiah 10:1-2
Defend the helpless and oppressed. Jeremiah 22:3
“Execute true judgment, and shew mercy and compassions every man to his brother: And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.” Zechariah 7:9-10
“These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates: And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath.” Zechariah 8:16-17
That’s just the Old Testament. What sayeth the New?
“Love your enemies.” Matthew 5:44
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Matthew 7:1
Consider your own faults rather than criticizing others. Matthew 7:4
“Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.” Matthew 7:12
Forgive those who repeatedly offend you. Matthew 18:21-22
“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Jesus quoting the original, Leviticus 19:18) Matthew 22:39
“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (There it is again.) Mark 12:31
Love you enemies; do good to those who hate you. Luke 6:27
Treat others as you would like to be treated. Luke 6:31-34
Don’t judge or condemn others. Forgive those who have offended you. Luke 6:37
Love thy neighbor as thyself. (Again with the loving thy neighbor!) Luke 10:27
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. John 8:7
“Love one another.” John 13:34
“This is my commandment, That ye love one another.” John 15:12
Be kind to others. Romans 12:10
Show empathy toward others. Romans 12:15
Try to live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18
Love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. 13:8
“If there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (What, again?!) Romans 13:9-10
Don’t judge other people or cause them to fall. 14:13
“Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (Tired of hearing it yet?) Galatians 5:14
“Do good unto all men.” Galatians 6:10
Be kind and forgiving to one another. Ephesians 4:31-32
“Walk in love.” Ephesians 5:2
Be merciful, kind, humble, loving, and forgiving toward one another. Colossians 3:12-14
“…be patient toward all men.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14
Be gentle and patient with all others. 2 Timothy 2:24
Let brotherly love continue. Hebrews 13:1
“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (We’re pretty tired of this one ourselves now.) James 2:8
“Speak not evil of one another.” James 4:11
Don’t judge other people. James 4:12
Don’t speak badly about others. 1 Peter 2:1
Those who love others are “in the light”; those who hate are “in darkness”. 1 John 2:9-11
“We should love one another.” 1 John 3:11
“Let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3:18
“Love one another.” 1 John 4:7
“If we love one another, God dwelleth in us.” 1 John 4:12
“God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” 1 John 4:18a
“He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18b
“Love one another.” 2 John
“And of some have compassion, making a difference.” Jude 1:22
We’re happy to report that a good majority of you topsiders, including the people who claim to believe in that very book and all its teachings, don’t follow any of that advice. No, you judge and envy and hate and we just LOVE you for it.
Meanwhile, the gay meth head preacher we were sure was a shoe-in for a mansion next to the Lake of Fire here did this:
We certainly don’t care if you judge one another, so tell us: who is more likely to up our numbers here, the one who treats his fellow humans as barbarians and monsters who need fixing, or the man who forgives himself his own transgressions and changes his outlook to allow others to live their own lives and be judged later?
We thought Ted Haggard was a sure thing, but we’ve been quietly dismantling his special corner of Hell for months. Instead, we’re making way for Bachmann and his wife. SHE’LL be SO surprised!