Pray the Gay Away

One Dr. Robert Spitzer was instrumental in removing homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM as it’s called in the field, in 1973. Until that time, being lesbian or gay, at least in the United States, was considered a certifiable condition of ill mental health. True fact.

In 2001, the same Dr. Spitzer performed a study which concluded that actively lesbian and gay people could effectively become straight. Nearly the entirety of the “Pray the Gay Away” movement – the workshops which tell gays and lesbians they can become straight with G-d’s help – was borne of this study.

Former mega-church pastor and gay meth head Ted Haggard underwent intensive “pray the gay away” treatment after being outed and subsequently losing his church in Colorado Springs. After three weeks, he insisted his urges were no more.

This was Haggard before the scandal:


And after:

Meanwhile, people like Marcus Bachmann happily take cash, including tax payer money via Medicare and Medicaid, to put unhappy gay and lesbian people through straight therapy. Their premise is gays and lesbians are not born that way and, since that makes their orientation a choice, anyone can choose to be straight.

The people who produce and promote these therapies largely rely on Dr. Spitzer’s 2001 study to prove their claims. Problem is, the study was deeply flawed. Dr. Spitzer himself has said as much himself and has tried to retract the study in full, to no avail.

If you’re asking yourself “Why are you sharing this information with me?” then good for you. You’re catching on to the fact that we always have an agenda.

We share this because the one scientific study that proved anti-gay therapy worked has now been repudiated by both the author and the establishment. Which means very simply that the “pray the gay away” folks no longer have a leg to stand on but their Bible.

What about that book, anyway? Besides the one verse somewhere in Leviticus – just one out of an entire tome, by the by – which says man shouldn’t lay with man, there are tons of other lessons to be had. Here are some, rather liberally borrowed from this web page. See if you can catch the theme.

Don’t hate people. Leviticus 19:17

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Leviticus 19:18

Do not oppress one another. Leviticus 25:17

“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.” Proverbs 3:27

Help your neighbor, if you can. Proverbs 3:28

Don’t devise plots against your neighbor, fight without cause, or imitate an oppressor. Proverbs 3:29-31

“Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” Proverbs Proverbs 10:12

“He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.” Proverbs 11:12

“Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” Proverbs 15:17

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” Proverbs 31:8-9

“Woe unto them that … turn aside the needy from judgment … Isaiah 10:1-2

Defend the helpless and oppressed. Jeremiah 22:3

“Execute true judgment, and shew mercy and compassions every man to his brother: And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.” Zechariah 7:9-10

“These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates: And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath.” Zechariah 8:16-17

That’s just the Old Testament. What sayeth the New?

“Love your enemies.” Matthew 5:44

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Matthew 7:1

Consider your own faults rather than criticizing others. Matthew 7:4

“Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.” Matthew 7:12

Forgive those who repeatedly offend you. Matthew 18:21-22

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Jesus quoting the original, Leviticus 19:18) Matthew 22:39

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (There it is again.) Mark 12:31

Love you enemies; do good to those who hate you. Luke 6:27

Treat others as you would like to be treated. Luke 6:31-34

Don’t judge or condemn others. Forgive those who have offended you. Luke 6:37

Love thy neighbor as thyself. (Again with the loving thy neighbor!) Luke 10:27

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. John 8:7

“Love one another.” John 13:34

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another.” John 15:12

Be kind to others. Romans 12:10

Show empathy toward others. Romans 12:15

Try to live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18

Love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. 13:8

“If there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (What, again?!) Romans 13:9-10

Don’t judge other people or cause them to fall. 14:13

“Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (Tired of hearing it yet?) Galatians 5:14

“Do good unto all men.” Galatians 6:10

Be kind and forgiving to one another. Ephesians 4:31-32

“Walk in love.” Ephesians 5:2

Be merciful, kind, humble, loving, and forgiving toward one another. Colossians 3:12-14

“…be patient toward all men.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Be gentle and patient with all others. 2 Timothy 2:24

Let brotherly love continue. Hebrews 13:1

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (We’re pretty tired of this one ourselves now.) James 2:8

“Speak not evil of one another.” James 4:11

Don’t judge other people. James 4:12

Don’t speak badly about others. 1 Peter 2:1

Those who love others are “in the light”; those who hate are “in darkness”. 1 John 2:9-11

“We should love one another.” 1 John 3:11

“Let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

“Love one another.” 1 John 4:7

“If we love one another, God dwelleth in us.” 1 John 4:12

“God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” 1 John 4:18a

“He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18b

“Love one another.” 2 John

“And of some have compassion, making a difference.” Jude 1:22

We’re happy to report that a good majority of you topsiders, including the people who claim to believe in that very book and all its teachings, don’t follow any of that advice. No, you judge and envy and hate and we just LOVE you for it.

Meanwhile, the gay meth head preacher we were sure was a shoe-in for a mansion next to the Lake of Fire here did this:

We certainly don’t care if you judge one another, so tell us: who is more likely to up our numbers here, the one who treats his fellow humans as barbarians and monsters who need fixing, or the man who forgives himself his own transgressions and changes his outlook to allow others to live their own lives and be judged later?

We thought Ted Haggard was a sure thing, but we’ve been quietly dismantling his special corner of Hell for months. Instead, we’re making way for Bachmann and his wife. SHE’LL be SO surprised!

Kony 2012

We have long known that the secret to creating a truly dangerous person is to destroy what they have and leave them nothing else to lose.

We have also known that those left with something to lose can be instilled with fanatical religious dogma – merely add a dash of power to whet the appetite, et voila! The great unwashed masses will do thy bidding.

So if you’ve ever wondered whether we’ve ever rooted for the other team, the answer is: of course we have. Case in point:

What the film fails to explain is that Kony, with a devoutly Catholic family, was not only an altar boy for several years, but also took over his late brother’s role as the town witch doctor. His brother’s death was OUR doing – a cashing in on a long-term soul sale in favor of “the bigger picture,” if you will. The Dark Lord sees all, as always.

Kony himself became more popular after a military schism in the 1980s, spawning his leadership of the United Holy Salvation Army, a force with unique cross-shaped formations that sprinkles holy water on the enemy.

After a light makeover in strategy and a name face-lift to the Lord’s Resistance Army, Kony went on to kidnap and make orphans of over 100,000 Ugandan children, in many cases forcing these children to kill their own parents. The loss of innocence and security simultaneously is rather fruitful; all Kony and his ilk do is kill two guardians with the creation of one baby sociopath stone.

While Kony claimed to be under the direction of voices from beyond which only he was privy to, once the seeds of religious determination and prophetic privilege are planted, there is no match for how the human imagination carries out such tasks as the religious purification of a people. We have only been there to guide him during “Holy Spirit” consultations before peace talks and his “pilgrimages” to hallucinate in the desert – just like we were with Christ himself – so when we say the Dark Lord is looking at “the bigger picture,” it is this: Kony’s interpretation of the good guy has netted a six-figure soul count for the rest of us.

Go team!

This kind of profitability margin is exactly what will carry us forward in our 2012 campaign. What we are looking for from you is to recruit prodigies with unseen levels of hopelessness, religious malleability, and a penchant for violence. The opposition is in favor of a major push to catch Kony and send him home to us, so over the course of the year we hope to groom the best candidate to carry on his legacy, hopefully on a more continental, and eventually global, scale. We need to ensure we are prepared to receive Kony and make a smooth transition to the next war crime leader without seeing the mass-scale productivity of murder, mutilation, abduction, rape, enslavement, and our preciously low levels of cannibalism, drop.

Invisible Children has sure done what they can, so now it’s time to do your part to educate others on the importance of our campaign. “As a registered not-for-profit, its finances are public. Last year, the organization spent $8,676,614. Only 32% went to direct services (page 6), with much of the rest going to staff salaries, travel and transport, and film production. This is far from ideal, and Charity Navigator rates their accountability 2/4 stars because they haven’t had their finances externally audited.” Utilize all of the modern tools at your disposal, dear friends; social media activism IS the wave of the future!

But we couldn’t do it without the help of our supporters and sponsors.

The Ugandan government, who props Kony up for his task. Trust us, no one could do what he does all alone.

Even Wonka Chocolates!

Yet who we really need to thank are the Ugandan people themselves. Their insistence on maintaining prehistoric superstitions, coupled with the rise of rampant, violent, fundamentalist-driven homophobia, have made it easy to call for the rape, maiming, and/or murder of people who don’t share beliefs.

All holy wars, from the Crusades to Hitler, start with the people.

Thanks, Uganda!

~ Helen Bacque

[Update April 3, 2012: A rather interesting assessment of the Kony 2012 campaign and its effect on Generations X and Y may be found here. ~ Ed.]

Objectivism, Satanism, & Conservatism

If you’ve read Ayn Rand and The Satanic Bible, you may have noticed some overlap in the two philosophies.

This is not a mistake. Anton Lavey, founder of the original Church of Satan and author of its holy tome, considered Rand to be his primary influence. He said Satanism, in his view, is “just Ayn Rand’s philosophy with ceremony and ritual added.”

Lavey’s brand of Satanism is, and has always been, a practical form of Objectivism.

Well, we knew that. Not much gets past us here. What did, surprisingly, is the current far right power structures in the United States – the Tea Party, neoconservatives, and even some Republican Presidential candidates – have embraced Objectivism as their economic philosophy of choice. This is surprising precisely because we didn’t do anything to point them in that direction.

It’s so nice when you lot do the work for us. Less oversight on our part, more residents as a result. It’s a win-win, really.

Of course, some have discovered the connection and have tried to sound the alarm…..

The Randian Fault That Could Shake Conservatism

Tea Party Owes More to the Church of Satan Than to Jesus

What have the Tea Party and the Church of Satan got in common? Answer: the sinister Ayn Rand

Rand and the Conservatism of Doubt (with video of Ayn Rand herself on the Phil Donahue show in the 1980s)

….but it seems to be of no avail.

You may have raced beyond our wildest plans with the Objectivism angle – and more power to you, especially when it benefits our roster at the final judgement – but we definitely know why the warnings aren’t working.

Don’t you?

Lead Us Not In to Temptation

Leading people in to temptation? That’s kid stuff. Getting you all to lie, cheat, steal, and/or kill is as easy as offering you something that meshes with your base desires.

Throw a sexy stud in front of a woman with lust in her heart and you’ll have her soul in the amount of time it takes him to say, “Buy you a drink?”

“Hey, you! Yeah, the dude with the 53-inch waistline: if you eat this entire 72 ounce steak, you’ll get it for FREE.” Bada-bing! Another glutton for the home team.

Everyone knows at least one person who walks through life as a little ball of rage, ready to be set off at the slightest provocation. They’re the easiest to get to, really. Peter Cook demonstrated anger tactics nicely in the original version of the movie Bedazzled:

Not every one of the people these antics bother will lose their temper, but it’s a safe bet some of them will. Getting at anger is simple, but it works. With quotas like ours, sometimes we resort to such measures.

Some minions of Hell prefer a challenge, though. Getting a politician to book an escort? No problem. Getting a right-wing, anti-gay, true-blue conservative preacher to spend time with a male prostitute who sells him meth, which they do together before they have sex? A little easier than one might think.

Getting said politician or preacher to admit such indiscretions to friends, family, colleagues, and the general public, yet manage to keep their job or revive their career as a politician or preacher?

That is the realm of a true artist.

Some setups are so elaborate as to be compared to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel or Beethoven’s symphonies. They are things of beauty and require a talent for seeing the truly long-term – years, decades, sometimes even centuries ahead. Not only that, but the job requires the ability set up and implement such cons with the little coincidences and synchronicities going wholly unnoticed.

Of course, we can’t exactly talk about those in any detail. Just keep your eyes open and maybe you’ll catch a glimpse.

If you don’t see it, consider you’re a part of the big picture. Or next. After all, “The dead man never knows he is dead.” (Nicole Blackman)