A Rare Interview

Our Dark Lord took some time out from supervising the personal torments reserved for racists to talk with Stephen Colbert this week.

The more you know: just as a supernatural entity with a beard may not be the man upstairs, any creature with horns isn’t necessarily Satan.

History Lessons

Remember when the History Channel used to play shows about actual history? No paranormal claptrap or cryptozoology, no talk of extraterrestrials landing in ancient times or conjecture about other things that haven’t happened or never will. They even moved Hitler and company to their sister network, the Military Channel, so HC is pretty useless anymore.

Most of the shows relevant to our interests, however, are available on YouTube. One example is the series they produced on the seven deadlies.

You can also find show after show after show about Satan, Armageddon, and prophecy for your viewing pleasure.

What’s true and what’s not? All of it. None of it.

You’ll never know.

Hell Isn’t for Children

But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. ~ Luke 18:16

We don’t get the whole touching little kids thing. There’s a special place here for pedophiles, but still, we just don’t get it. Who but the most evil among you would molest – and possibly permanently damage the body and/or psyche of – a child?

Children are strictly OFF LIMITS down here. That’s right, no matter what Pat Benetar sang in the 80s, Hell isn’t FOR children; Hell HAS NO children. This is because kids are innocents and therefore the property of G-d. The Dark Lord himself is even ashamed of the folks at Penn State.

We look forward to having Sandusky, Paterno, and everyone else involved in this despicable scandal in our clutches, some sooner rather than later. We’ve upgraded the Tentacle 5000 recently and can’t wait to see what it’s capable of now.

The Tentacle 5000, for those who haven’t seen it in all its majestic glory, is a machine first thought up in the dreams of a small, shy Japanese gent who then wrote it into the demon-raping scenes of the infamous anime movie, Urotosukidoji. Or was it his nightmares? It’s so hard to tell with the Japanese…..

Anyway, we think you get the point. Child fuckers get fucked, but not in a good way, for all eternity. Which, we think you’ll agree, is exactly how it should be.

How Did He Know?

Bill Maher tweeted over the weekend:

Wow, Jesus just fucked #TimTebow bad! And on Xmas Eve! Somewhere……Satan is tebowing, saying to Hitler “Hey, Buffalo’s killing them.”

Of course, conservatives are calling for a boycott of his show and HBO, as if any true conservative watches either. The former is chock full of liberal vitriol aimed square at the terminally religious; the latter is overflowing with sex, drugs, violence, and other less-than-godly stories. In other words, both are right up our alley.

What we ask is this: How did Bill Maher know exactly what was happening down here? It’s like the guy was on a direct line or something. Uncanny.