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In the news…

Satanists to Hold Controversial Black Mass in Oklahoma

Raise your hand if you think the prayer campaign against it will do one bit of good? If Christians believe the man upstairs allows all things to happen and the bad is just a test of faith, then you’ll have to make peace with this, Oklahoma. It’s happening.

Bible-pushing Christians open the door for Satanic activity books in Florida schools

The U.S. courts have been clear: if a school distributes Christian literature, all other faiths are allowed to be represented as well. Atheists got this ball rolling a few months ago, now our delightful minions are following suit. Unintended consequences, anyone?

Prayer in School

The U.S. Courts have also ruled if a local or state government wishes to erect a Ten Commandments (or share other Christian demagoguery) in public space, they are required to make room for statues, memorials, or shrines from different faiths. Hence, atheists now have a bench near a courthouse in Florida and the Satanic Temple has entered their official request to erect a Baphomet statue near the Oklahoma statehouse.

Satanic Temple Baphomet

Their request has been stalled, though, seemingly on purpose. We have no doubt it will eventually wind its way through the courts until a) the Ten Commandments on statehouse grounds is removed, or b) their statue goes up. Either way we win, but not through taking away Bible quotes or shoving Satan in anyone’s face. No, we own the souls of the terminally self-righteous, those who are fighting so hard to be right they forget how to be tolerant and accepting of their fellow humans.

Pride really is our favorite sin here.

The Satanic Temple will build its first chapter house in Detroit

A little slice of Hell in America’s version of same. Plus the property values have got to be incredibly low. There was also a rumor the organization will open several new chapters, but the only evidence we can find is on a site that regularly gets their info from a direct source down here. You can bet your doomed soul we don’t trust that guy.

We should note the Satanic Temple is NOT the same group doing the black mass in Oklahoma, but that could be even scarier to the locals if they take a moment to consider there are TWO devil-worshiping groups vying for attention in their state. We have no idea why, Okies, other than to aggravate you. It’s much easier work to reap souls on the coasts. Maybe it’s the challenge.

Meanwhile, in Canada…

Oh, Canadians, taking such things in stride. A polite and accepting culture, that one. Come to think of it, there aren’t many Canadians here at all. Could be they’re so nice to stay out of this heat. No time to contemplate it, though. We have to get back to work making room for those of you who will be joining us soon.

By the way, we didn’t get Joan or Robin, not for lack of trying. Turns out the Almighty appreciates a kind heart overflowing with laughter, regardless of belief.

We Believe in Atheists

We’ve recently taken notice of a website titled “Laughing in Purgatory,” written by unbeliever(s) with a wicked sense of humor.

Of course we love godless anything, but what specifically brought our attention to the site was a recent post, The Nine Rings of Atheist Hell. Based on the nine circles in Dante’s famous Inferno *, it’s an excellent description of the problems encountered by current, first-world atheists. (Third world atheists, well…that’s another story.)

The Dark Lord himself was especially amused at the fifth ring, which is described as other atheists. We all know Hell is other people, but how many unbelievers understand they grate on each other in exactly the same way Christians do, that is by insisting their atheism is the one and only true atheism?

Divide and conquer: it works. Heretics split to form their own sects and entirely new forms of that old time religion are created, all based on pure faith theirs is the only way to Heaven. The Abrahamic religions even come from the same root, but if you ask any True Believer of two of those branches – Christianity and Islam – what they think of their cousins, you’re likely to get any answer from “They will burn in Hell” to “We should kill them all.”

Don’t even get us started on the Middle East. In fact, we didn’t start it: you are so easy to pit against each other we stopped doing it for you when Rome fell. We haven’t lifted a finger to promote any religion-based chaos state beyond that time. You alone will hate anyone who doesn’t look like you, pray like you, or really do anything at all like you. Tribalism, xenophobia, and savagery – your base nature makes our job easier. When we don’t have to make you do anything topside, we can then concentrate on our empire to accommodate the most brazen and hateful among you down here.

Hence, in-fighting among atheists is hardly surprising to us. It happens when any group gets large enough for members to start comparing notes about what is “right” and what is “wrong” for the group as a whole. Liberal atheists will take issue with conservative atheists, skeptical atheists will have a problem with atheists who still believe in ghosts, and feminist atheists will always cannibalize themselves because, well, that’s what feminists do. You are perfectly capable of dividing and conquering yourselves without our help.

You may not believe in us, but we certainly believe in you.

* Few but us know Dante was spot-on in his assessment of this place, including the man himself, who did not make it here due to a last-minute, death bed confession. Truly, we hate this loophole, but we’re not the ones who made it.

Morals vs. Standards

Our friends (and future residents) over at Salon recently shared an interesting piece on the influence of Our Dark Lord on the sexual revolution of the 1960s. We are especially impressed the author shares a particular truth about the Satanic Church of the era. To whit:

“The church made no judgment about the morality of any sexual pursuit, advocating ‘the practice of any type of sexual activity which satisfy man’s individual needs, be it promiscuous heterosexuality, strict faithfulness to a wife or lover, homo-sexuality, or even fetishism,’ in short, ‘telling each man or woman to do what comes naturally and not to worry about it.’ Those looking to affirm their sexual appetites, whatever they might be, were welcome at the church; those actually looking to have sex were not. ‘There are some beautiful women that belong to the Church,’ claimed [church leader Anton] LaVey, ‘but they don’t have to come here to get laid. They could go down to any San Francisco bar and get picked up.'”

LaVey understood better than most that morals are one thing, standards are another. God expects sexual morals. He alone requires abstinence until marriage and then insists even then that sex be only for procreation. He asks celibacy of priests and nuns, knowing full well repression of natural desires breeds obsession with same and results in all manner of sadistic, fetishistic release. He alone calls adultery and homosexuality a sin. Here, we call it “Tuesday.”

We don’t insist on those morals, of course. Do what thou wilt and all that. Admittedly our standards are pretty low, what with all the tormenting and mayhem – when Our Dark Lord says a molesting priest is to be butt-fucked without lube for all eternity, it’s not like we have a choice to say “But I’m just not into him” – but you up there can maintain some dignity. Like choosing partners who practice safe sex, won’t gossip about a hookup to your social circles, share your particular proclivities, and don’t rape women who are too drunk to know what’s happening. (We see you, frat boy. There’s a nice Sigma Chi house here, filled with the perpetual screams of your rapist brothers. You’re gonna love it.)

What the church doesn’t want you to know is merely having sex outside of the rules doesn’t relegate you to Hell. Think about it: what kind of punishment would suit someone who worked hard, raised a family, went to church, paid his taxes, never hurt a soul, but liked to fuck? Orgasms that lead to eternal damnation? Who would punish someone like that, other than a giant douche?

So go forth and fulfill your appetites, children. Affirm your natural, God-given sexuality, with one partner, three, or a room full. Be any orientation that feels good and play with any gender you find hot. Delight in your delectable desires. Free yourselves from the God who gave you the ultimate pleasure of the flesh and then told you to only use it under certain parameters.

Because seriously, that guy is an asshole.

Who Ordered the Eight Corvettes?

The Bad News: there’s going to be a delay in delivery.

Sinkhole Swallows 8 Cars at National Corvette Museum

They don’t seem to have made it further than a few feet underground, let alone to the Receiving Department (Third Level, near Accounting).

The Good News: the demon who gummed up this operation is now hanging by the back of her skull in the Main Lobby. Feel free to come by and torment-at-will – implements and hors d’oeuvres provided. Cash bar!

Vengeance Is Yours

An actual ad on Craigslist in Austin, Texas reads:

Needed: Vengeance Demon (Austin)

I would like to employ a Vengeance Demon to do what they do best. Details will be given upon background check and proof of demon identity.

First off, demons aren’t just at anyone’s beck and call. There’s no Demons ‘R’ Us store; you have to learn the rituals and call them forth yourself. You lot up there have always been too lazy to do the work necessary to get one of your own, even though all it takes in the 21st century is a simple Google search. Seriously, how much easier can we make it for you?

All that said, it is true demons do their best work there in the U.S. It is one of the most fertile hunting grounds for souls and Texas, in particular, is a lot like Hell, so demons feel right at home. Plus hyper-religious Southern states are rife with people who want to be led unto temptation, so, to put it in the local vernacular, where you are is easy pickin’s.

You probably already know a Vengeance Demon and don’t even realize it, so we took the liberty of investigating your situation and yes, it’s true, one is actually very close. Closer than you think, in fact. And the reason you want one at all is simply delightful… we won’t share more in a public forum such as this, but the Dark Lord himself is most amused. Simply delicious, friend. Full of so many deadly sins and awful thoughts we’re thinking you may one day reign with us down here.

Hence, we’ve chosen to waive the usual ceremonial duties for you just this once. All you need do is meditate for a minimum of 30 minutes on one or more of the many names: Lucifer. Beelzebub. Abaddon. Lord of Darkness. Father of All Lies. Satan. Bringer of Light. Mammon. Son of Perdition.

Afterward, the first person you see will be the Vengeance Demon. Try not to act too surprised. Startling a demon is never a good idea.

Satanic Mingle

If some enterprising entrepreneur up there wants to actually start a service like this, you have our blessing. Of course, a Satanic dating site is probably less controversial these days than Atheist one, which means less free advertising by way of bad publicity.

But don’t let that little detail stop you. You’d have the power of Hell on your side. How could you lose?

What Did You Expect?

Hell is, indeed, a thriving epicenter of gay culture. From the article in The Onion:

Hell has been widely celebrated by gay rights leaders for its far-reaching acceptance of alternative lifestyles, and residents told reporters it is incredibly common to see a rainbow flag hanging over various shop awnings, in car windows, or atop thrones of blood-soaked bones and rotting flesh. Additionally, the Inferno’s Gay Pride Parade, held every July in the Second Circle, is noted for its extravagance and high attendance rate.

That’s not really a secret, is it? If gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people are condemned to Hell, what do you think they’ll do with – and to – the place?

Exactly.

Between you and us, the Pit of Ultimate Despair has never been so FAB-U-LOUS.