We Believe in Atheists

We’ve recently taken notice of a website titled “Laughing in Purgatory,” written by unbeliever(s) with a wicked sense of humor.

Of course we love godless anything, but what specifically brought our attention to the site was a recent post, The Nine Rings of Atheist Hell. Based on the nine circles in Dante’s famous Inferno *, it’s an excellent description of the problems encountered by current, first-world atheists. (Third world atheists, well…that’s another story.)

The Dark Lord himself was especially amused at the fifth ring, which is described as other atheists. We all know Hell is other people, but how many unbelievers understand they grate on each other in exactly the same way Christians do, that is by insisting their atheism is the one and only true atheism?

Divide and conquer: it works. Heretics split to form their own sects and entirely new forms of that old time religion are created, all based on pure faith theirs is the only way to Heaven. The Abrahamic religions even come from the same root, but if you ask any True Believer of two of those branches – Christianity and Islam – what they think of their cousins, you’re likely to get any answer from “They will burn in Hell” to “We should kill them all.”

Don’t even get us started on the Middle East. In fact, we didn’t start it: you are so easy to pit against each other we stopped doing it for you when Rome fell. We haven’t lifted a finger to promote any religion-based chaos state beyond that time. You alone will hate anyone who doesn’t look like you, pray like you, or really do anything at all like you. Tribalism, xenophobia, and savagery – your base nature makes our job easier. When we don’t have to make you do anything topside, we can then concentrate on our empire to accommodate the most brazen and hateful among you down here.

Hence, in-fighting among atheists is hardly surprising to us. It happens when any group gets large enough for members to start comparing notes about what is “right” and what is “wrong” for the group as a whole. Liberal atheists will take issue with conservative atheists, skeptical atheists will have a problem with atheists who still believe in ghosts, and feminist atheists will always cannibalize themselves because, well, that’s what feminists do. You are perfectly capable of dividing and conquering yourselves without our help.

You may not believe in us, but we certainly believe in you.

* Few but us know Dante was spot-on in his assessment of this place, including the man himself, who did not make it here due to a last-minute, death bed confession. Truly, we hate this loophole, but we’re not the ones who made it.

A Rare Interview

Our Dark Lord took some time out from supervising the personal torments reserved for racists to talk with Stephen Colbert this week.

The more you know: just as a supernatural entity with a beard may not be the man upstairs, any creature with horns isn’t necessarily Satan.

A Message from the Dark Lord

Alright, who alerted the media to the new hole?

Is the Portal to Hell Opening Up Under Wisconsin Right This Very Minute?

Jesus H. Christ on that CRUTCH he called a CROSS……can we not get ANYTHING done around here without every topsider knowing what’s happening?!

This had better be sabotage from on high, because if it isn’t, I have a VERY special place reserved for loose lips. Ask the Rosenbergs. Or Mata Hari, for that matter.

Oh, no, wait; you can’t ask them. They haven’t stopped sucking demon dick since they got here. My bad. But just so you know, the acid-for-blood idea Cameron had for those Alien movies was MY idea. We’ve been doing it for millennium……but it ISN’T blood.

Someone call that rat bastard at Praetorian Roofing and get him on the cover up. AGAIN. And tell him I’d better NOT see a bill for services.

Ingrate.

The Dark Lord’s Doings

Dearest Heathens, Sinners, Acolytes, Worshipers, and Haters:

Old Scratch’s work is literally never done. This past month flew by as we were busy making all your afterlives well, absolute Hell.

LaVey and friends outdid themselves with the New Year’s Eve shenanigans. Hell’s King and Queen of 2012, Countess Elizabeth Báthory and Vlad III (Vlad Țepeş, better known as The Impaler), were crowned just before midnight and are now the co-chairs for next year’s event. Expect a medieval theme, replete with period-correct torture devices. Only the most sadistic for you, my children.

Salvador Dali managed to make his way down to see the current exhibition in the Hall of Heads. He says Heaven doesn’t have quite the color scheme or primal energy we do when it comes to art. He was on a day pass, so don’t get any ideas: you can’t just come and go as you please. Orpheus or Dali YOU are NOT.

Remodeling of the Third Circle will begin soon. Those gluttonous bastards in the U.S. are arriving heavier than they ever have before, so the whole place needs reinforcing. Walkways, roads, floors, everything. More and more of them die every day of obesity-related illness, but do they learn? Let’s hope not, am I right? I do take such great delight in their starvation torments, especially when coupled with extreme, muscle-tearing, bone-shattering exercise. Those whiners on The Biggest Loser have NO idea.

Finally, we weren’t supposed to get Steve Jobs, but the sanctimonious asshole mentioned to You-Know-Who that he knew about the Apple product sweat shops in China. Watch out Gates, or you’re next.

Have a lovely St. Valentine’s Day, whether you spend it beating / being beaten with clubs and then beheading / getting beheaded. That is how the martyr himself spent it, you know. Also, as is tradition, Hell’s Players will be performing the 1929 Mass(acre) all day and all night in the Aragon Ballroom. The password is “Capone.”

~ The Dark Lord

The Dark Lord’s Doings

Dearest Heathens, Sinners, Acolytes, Worshipers, and Haters:

It’s December and I don’t have to tell you how successful we’ve been with the launch of our little endeavor here, since it is required reading. Nor do I need to mention what a banner year we’ve had, but I will: we have more residents than ever before, thanks to that “new atheism” trend. I look forward to seeing the look on Richard Dawkins’ face when he arrives. (Soon, you arrogant, beautiful bastard – soon.)

Speaking of which, Hitchens isn’t here. My best guess is the man upstairs cut him a break for actually being a good person and one hell of a debater. I am, of course, appealing the decision, but I don’t expect much; I didn’t get Buckley, either.

As for the minor skirmish near the Lake of Fire over Thanksgiving, those involved are now hanging in the Hall of Heads. Of course, their screams are music to my ears and the work the minions did with their entrails is quite exquisite, so if you get a chance, stop by and have a look. That may be difficult, given your own suffering never ends, but they’re going to be hanging there for awhile, I assure you.

Anton Lavey and friends are planning this year’s New Year’s Eve bash. The torments we have lined up will be the best we’ve ever done and that is saying something given we’ve been at this since the beginning of time. As you know, attendance is mandatory and party hats, as well as other torture devices, will be provided on arrival.

I really can’t thank you all enough for your support. We couldn’t do any of this without your inability to accept that child-man into your heart. I hear you calling out to Him as I do my rounds, but trust me, He is not here and will not save you. You had your chance. Now you are MINE.

Speaking of mine, please join me in welcoming our newest arrival of note, Kim Jong Il. That little maniac starved his own people to death. Hundreds of thousands of them! Would that we could get more like him up there; he brought up our numbers by promoting the “there is no god that would allow this suffering” concept. People can’t believe in a savior if there is no savior, know what I mean? Good on you, KJII. Not that it will save you from what awaits, but I have to give credit where it’s due.

Here’s to 2012: may you have an absolutely heinous, debilitatingly painful New Year. Just like all the rest, forever and always.

~ The Dark Lord