Vengeance Is Yours

An actual ad on Craigslist in Austin, Texas reads:

Needed: Vengeance Demon (Austin)

I would like to employ a Vengeance Demon to do what they do best. Details will be given upon background check and proof of demon identity.

First off, demons aren’t just at anyone’s beck and call. There’s no Demons ‘R’ Us store; you have to learn the rituals and call them forth yourself. You lot up there have always been too lazy to do the work necessary to get one of your own, even though all it takes in the 21st century is a simple Google search. Seriously, how much easier can we make it for you?

All that said, it is true demons do their best work there in the U.S. It is one of the most fertile hunting grounds for souls and Texas, in particular, is a lot like Hell, so demons feel right at home. Plus hyper-religious Southern states are rife with people who want to be led unto temptation, so, to put it in the local vernacular, where you are is easy pickin’s.

You probably already know a Vengeance Demon and don’t even realize it, so we took the liberty of investigating your situation and yes, it’s true, one is actually very close. Closer than you think, in fact. And the reason you want one at all is simply delightful… we won’t share more in a public forum such as this, but the Dark Lord himself is most amused. Simply delicious, friend. Full of so many deadly sins and awful thoughts we’re thinking you may one day reign with us down here.

Hence, we’ve chosen to waive the usual ceremonial duties for you just this once. All you need do is meditate for a minimum of 30 minutes on one or more of the many names: Lucifer. Beelzebub. Abaddon. Lord of Darkness. Father of All Lies. Satan. Bringer of Light. Mammon. Son of Perdition.

Afterward, the first person you see will be the Vengeance Demon. Try not to act too surprised. Startling a demon is never a good idea.

Classifieds – January 2012

WANTED: Hooks! All sizes and shapes. Will pay cash or consider trade for flaying knives. Beelzebub, 666-241-1905 / beelzebub@perditionreport.com

JOBS! JOBS! JOBS! Do you have a topside permit? Consider a career in TEMPTATION! Positions available now – commission pay, flexible hours, EASY MONEY. Seminar this weekend @ the Hellton Hotel, RSVP: 666-411-LUST

ST. JUDE: Thanks for nothing!

FOR SALE: Prime property on Lake of Fire. Build to suit! Close to Scrotal Driving Range, in River Styx School District. **EXCELLENT VIEWS** of Pit of Ultimate Suffering! Call Judy with ReMax, 666-941-2110 HURRY! This one won’t last!

GARAGE SALE third Fri-Sat-Sun 8am to 4pm – lots of furniture, inc. bondage chairs, Iron Maiden, antique stretching rack. NO DEALERS/EARLY BIRDS. 665 Gnashing Teeth Ave. (neighbor of The Beast).

FREE TO GOOD HOME: Full-bred hellhound with HKC papers. Relocating topside for new job, can’t take him with us. House trained, loves kids – roasted, braised, and raw! Leave msg, 666-458-5392