Waiting for the Worms

Once in awhile, your topside scientists get a little too close. This time, they’ve discovered the first layer of our worms.

We use these little babies to dispose of the remnants of those who are skinned alive regularly. Depending on a soul’s damnation schedule, this can happen hourly, weekly, or monthly and all that rotting flesh, if left to sit around, would just get in the way of our other work.

It may surprise some, but Hell has never had to “go green” – we’ve been environmentally-friendly from the outset. We have all sorts of creatures and minions to take care of our waste, leaving room for the rest of our many torturous delights. The entire Gluttony section is dedicated to feeding refuse and stench to the damned, so really, there isn’t much left to keep the worms happy anyway.

We’re not worried about the digging, either. Scientists will never dig deep enough to find us. Security is, after all, some of the tightest in the universe, and provided by none other than G-d Himself.

Oh, we’re sorry. Were you under the impression He wouldn’t do such a thing? Well, take a moment and consider what Christianity would be without the threat of eternal damnation and torment.

Yep: Buddhism.

What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?

Not that any of you will read it, much less pay attention to the lesson it attempts to impart, but click here to read a lovely guest article in Esquire from 2009.

Everyone, believer and heathen alike, should, because it speaks directly to so-called Christians about living like your Savior intended or some such. The way most of you have been acting toward women and the poor lately is enough to convince us it will never happen, but one of our favorite things is to forewarn you. That way when we meet, or Heaven forbid the end times arrive too soon, we can say some of our favorite words as we toss you into a pit of endless suffering and torment:

“We told you so.”