Super Satanic Spectacle

As was predicted here in Hell as the event progressed just a couple of months ago, the truly batshit insane among fundamentalist Christians have deconstructed Madonna’s halftime show and decided it’s chock full of Satanic content. This rumor is spreading as as fast as their little hands can type it and includes comparison imagery to “prove” the story.

We don’t work quite so blatantly around here. Our schtick leans more toward the smaller, easier-to-get temptations, like hours on Facebook instead of paying attention to your kids, miscounting change to a customer and pocketing it, or having an affair while your wife battles cancer. The ostentation known as the Super Bowl halftime show just isn’t us.

In the time it would take us to plan, implement, and ensure all those millions of eyes were on the pop stars during everyone’s favorite annual sporting spectacle of excess, we’d have a billion souls in our pocket, so why bother? It’s so much easier to get one of you to tell a homeless guy “Get a job!” than it is to put together a production of that magnitude. Remember, sloth is one of the deadlies, and we are experts at it.

Besides, most of that imagery isn’t Satanic at all. It’s Egyptian, Masonic, Pagan, Roman … even Kabbalah, even if it was involved, is Jewish, not Satanic. Though there was a time when Jew and ultimate evil were interchangeable terms in a lot of people’s minds.

1940 German propaganda film poster

Those were the days … six million people murdered. Again, not our idea, but implemented so well, it made the Father of Lies proud. He still speaks of it with a wistful look in his eye.

So, to reiterate, we had absolutely nothing to do with this year’s theme for halftime at the Super Bowl. We’ve got much more interesting and efficient ways to accelerate our population growth.

What we will neither confirm nor deny is whether the show was created specifically for our benefit.

L-U-V, Madonna indeed.

Pray the Gay Away

One Dr. Robert Spitzer was instrumental in removing homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM as it’s called in the field, in 1973. Until that time, being lesbian or gay, at least in the United States, was considered a certifiable condition of ill mental health. True fact.

In 2001, the same Dr. Spitzer performed a study which concluded that actively lesbian and gay people could effectively become straight. Nearly the entirety of the “Pray the Gay Away” movement – the workshops which tell gays and lesbians they can become straight with G-d’s help – was borne of this study.

Former mega-church pastor and gay meth head Ted Haggard underwent intensive “pray the gay away” treatment after being outed and subsequently losing his church in Colorado Springs. After three weeks, he insisted his urges were no more.

This was Haggard before the scandal:


And after:

Meanwhile, people like Marcus Bachmann happily take cash, including tax payer money via Medicare and Medicaid, to put unhappy gay and lesbian people through straight therapy. Their premise is gays and lesbians are not born that way and, since that makes their orientation a choice, anyone can choose to be straight.

The people who produce and promote these therapies largely rely on Dr. Spitzer’s 2001 study to prove their claims. Problem is, the study was deeply flawed. Dr. Spitzer himself has said as much himself and has tried to retract the study in full, to no avail.

If you’re asking yourself “Why are you sharing this information with me?” then good for you. You’re catching on to the fact that we always have an agenda.

We share this because the one scientific study that proved anti-gay therapy worked has now been repudiated by both the author and the establishment. Which means very simply that the “pray the gay away” folks no longer have a leg to stand on but their Bible.

What about that book, anyway? Besides the one verse somewhere in Leviticus – just one out of an entire tome, by the by – which says man shouldn’t lay with man, there are tons of other lessons to be had. Here are some, rather liberally borrowed from this web page. See if you can catch the theme.

Don’t hate people. Leviticus 19:17

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Leviticus 19:18

Do not oppress one another. Leviticus 25:17

“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.” Proverbs 3:27

Help your neighbor, if you can. Proverbs 3:28

Don’t devise plots against your neighbor, fight without cause, or imitate an oppressor. Proverbs 3:29-31

“Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” Proverbs Proverbs 10:12

“He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.” Proverbs 11:12

“Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” Proverbs 15:17

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” Proverbs 31:8-9

“Woe unto them that … turn aside the needy from judgment … Isaiah 10:1-2

Defend the helpless and oppressed. Jeremiah 22:3

“Execute true judgment, and shew mercy and compassions every man to his brother: And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.” Zechariah 7:9-10

“These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates: And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath.” Zechariah 8:16-17

That’s just the Old Testament. What sayeth the New?

“Love your enemies.” Matthew 5:44

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Matthew 7:1

Consider your own faults rather than criticizing others. Matthew 7:4

“Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.” Matthew 7:12

Forgive those who repeatedly offend you. Matthew 18:21-22

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Jesus quoting the original, Leviticus 19:18) Matthew 22:39

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (There it is again.) Mark 12:31

Love you enemies; do good to those who hate you. Luke 6:27

Treat others as you would like to be treated. Luke 6:31-34

Don’t judge or condemn others. Forgive those who have offended you. Luke 6:37

Love thy neighbor as thyself. (Again with the loving thy neighbor!) Luke 10:27

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. John 8:7

“Love one another.” John 13:34

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another.” John 15:12

Be kind to others. Romans 12:10

Show empathy toward others. Romans 12:15

Try to live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18

Love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. 13:8

“If there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (What, again?!) Romans 13:9-10

Don’t judge other people or cause them to fall. 14:13

“Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (Tired of hearing it yet?) Galatians 5:14

“Do good unto all men.” Galatians 6:10

Be kind and forgiving to one another. Ephesians 4:31-32

“Walk in love.” Ephesians 5:2

Be merciful, kind, humble, loving, and forgiving toward one another. Colossians 3:12-14

“…be patient toward all men.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Be gentle and patient with all others. 2 Timothy 2:24

Let brotherly love continue. Hebrews 13:1

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (We’re pretty tired of this one ourselves now.) James 2:8

“Speak not evil of one another.” James 4:11

Don’t judge other people. James 4:12

Don’t speak badly about others. 1 Peter 2:1

Those who love others are “in the light”; those who hate are “in darkness”. 1 John 2:9-11

“We should love one another.” 1 John 3:11

“Let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

“Love one another.” 1 John 4:7

“If we love one another, God dwelleth in us.” 1 John 4:12

“God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” 1 John 4:18a

“He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18b

“Love one another.” 2 John

“And of some have compassion, making a difference.” Jude 1:22

We’re happy to report that a good majority of you topsiders, including the people who claim to believe in that very book and all its teachings, don’t follow any of that advice. No, you judge and envy and hate and we just LOVE you for it.

Meanwhile, the gay meth head preacher we were sure was a shoe-in for a mansion next to the Lake of Fire here did this:

We certainly don’t care if you judge one another, so tell us: who is more likely to up our numbers here, the one who treats his fellow humans as barbarians and monsters who need fixing, or the man who forgives himself his own transgressions and changes his outlook to allow others to live their own lives and be judged later?

We thought Ted Haggard was a sure thing, but we’ve been quietly dismantling his special corner of Hell for months. Instead, we’re making way for Bachmann and his wife. SHE’LL be SO surprised!