A Message from the Dark Lord

Alright, who alerted the media to the new hole?

Is the Portal to Hell Opening Up Under Wisconsin Right This Very Minute?

Jesus H. Christ on that CRUTCH he called a CROSS……can we not get ANYTHING done around here without every topsider knowing what’s happening?!

This had better be sabotage from on high, because if it isn’t, I have a VERY special place reserved for loose lips. Ask the Rosenbergs. Or Mata Hari, for that matter.

Oh, no, wait; you can’t ask them. They haven’t stopped sucking demon dick since they got here. My bad. But just so you know, the acid-for-blood idea Cameron had for those Alien movies was MY idea. We’ve been doing it for millennium……but it ISN’T blood.

Someone call that rat bastard at Praetorian Roofing and get him on the cover up. AGAIN. And tell him I’d better NOT see a bill for services.


The Power of Prayer

The actual quote is from a 1965 Peter O’Toole movie, The Ruling Class, but who cares? It’s the sentiment that matters.

What was the last thing you asked G-d for? Did you get it?

If not, do you think it was His will or are you intelligent, insightful, and caring enough to see He’s a bit busy?

Your arrogance never ceases to amaze us. Asking G-d for anything other than world peace and an end to starvation is, selfish, Selfish, SELFISH. So many people up there, suffering much more than you every day, every minute, of their short, hard lives…yet you ask the Almighty for the pettiest things.

“Please, let grandma live a little longer.”

“I beg you, oh Lord, don’t let the cop smell the alcohol on my breath.”

“If my team wins, I swear I’ll go back to church.”

Wars, earthquakes, famine, genocide, tsunamis, pandemics, tornadoes, car accidents, typhoons…He’s got an awful lot on His plate, doesn’t He? Grandma’s been around for a lifetime of the good life, especially if she was lucky enough to be born and grow up in the Western world.

You shouldn’t have been driving drunk. You know that. We know that. Everyone knows that.

Praying for help with a game, particularly one which serves no other purpose than to distract you from the horrors of the real world, is utter horseshit. You’d know that if you took the time to look around you or stopped to think about what it is you ask.

But no, you’ve been told that G-d answers prayer, and that He does – just not yours specifically and certainly not most of the time.

Here, let us put it another way:

So why not spend your precious time talking to yourself, then? You may even find the answers you sought are right there in front of you. After all, G-d helps those who help themselves.

When He doesn’t? We’re here for you.

Broncos Dump Jesus

We didn’t have a hand in the sacking of Tebow. Really. Our best guess is someone upstairs takes their book more seriously than a certain in-your-face believer.

And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. ~ Matthew 6:5-6

Be careful what you wish for – you just might get it.

Kony 2012

We have long known that the secret to creating a truly dangerous person is to destroy what they have and leave them nothing else to lose.

We have also known that those left with something to lose can be instilled with fanatical religious dogma – merely add a dash of power to whet the appetite, et voila! The great unwashed masses will do thy bidding.

So if you’ve ever wondered whether we’ve ever rooted for the other team, the answer is: of course we have. Case in point:

What the film fails to explain is that Kony, with a devoutly Catholic family, was not only an altar boy for several years, but also took over his late brother’s role as the town witch doctor. His brother’s death was OUR doing – a cashing in on a long-term soul sale in favor of “the bigger picture,” if you will. The Dark Lord sees all, as always.

Kony himself became more popular after a military schism in the 1980s, spawning his leadership of the United Holy Salvation Army, a force with unique cross-shaped formations that sprinkles holy water on the enemy.

After a light makeover in strategy and a name face-lift to the Lord’s Resistance Army, Kony went on to kidnap and make orphans of over 100,000 Ugandan children, in many cases forcing these children to kill their own parents. The loss of innocence and security simultaneously is rather fruitful; all Kony and his ilk do is kill two guardians with the creation of one baby sociopath stone.

While Kony claimed to be under the direction of voices from beyond which only he was privy to, once the seeds of religious determination and prophetic privilege are planted, there is no match for how the human imagination carries out such tasks as the religious purification of a people. We have only been there to guide him during “Holy Spirit” consultations before peace talks and his “pilgrimages” to hallucinate in the desert – just like we were with Christ himself – so when we say the Dark Lord is looking at “the bigger picture,” it is this: Kony’s interpretation of the good guy has netted a six-figure soul count for the rest of us.

Go team!

This kind of profitability margin is exactly what will carry us forward in our 2012 campaign. What we are looking for from you is to recruit prodigies with unseen levels of hopelessness, religious malleability, and a penchant for violence. The opposition is in favor of a major push to catch Kony and send him home to us, so over the course of the year we hope to groom the best candidate to carry on his legacy, hopefully on a more continental, and eventually global, scale. We need to ensure we are prepared to receive Kony and make a smooth transition to the next war crime leader without seeing the mass-scale productivity of murder, mutilation, abduction, rape, enslavement, and our preciously low levels of cannibalism, drop.

Invisible Children has sure done what they can, so now it’s time to do your part to educate others on the importance of our campaign. “As a registered not-for-profit, its finances are public. Last year, the organization spent $8,676,614. Only 32% went to direct services (page 6), with much of the rest going to staff salaries, travel and transport, and film production. This is far from ideal, and Charity Navigator rates their accountability 2/4 stars because they haven’t had their finances externally audited.” Utilize all of the modern tools at your disposal, dear friends; social media activism IS the wave of the future!

But we couldn’t do it without the help of our supporters and sponsors.


The Ugandan government, who props Kony up for his task. Trust us, no one could do what he does all alone.

Even Wonka Chocolates!

Yet who we really need to thank are the Ugandan people themselves. Their insistence on maintaining prehistoric superstitions, coupled with the rise of rampant, violent, fundamentalist-driven homophobia, have made it easy to call for the rape, maiming, and/or murder of people who don’t share beliefs.

All holy wars, from the Crusades to Hitler, start with the people.

Thanks, Uganda!

~ Helen Bacque

[Update April 3, 2012: A rather interesting assessment of the Kony 2012 campaign and its effect on Generations X and Y may be found here. ~ Ed.]

Objectivism, Satanism, & Conservatism

If you’ve read Ayn Rand and The Satanic Bible, you may have noticed some overlap in the two philosophies.

This is not a mistake. Anton Lavey, founder of the original Church of Satan and author of its holy tome, considered Rand to be his primary influence. He said Satanism, in his view, is “just Ayn Rand’s philosophy with ceremony and ritual added.”

Lavey’s brand of Satanism is, and has always been, a practical form of Objectivism.

Well, we knew that. Not much gets past us here. What did, surprisingly, is the current far right power structures in the United States – the Tea Party, neoconservatives, and even some Republican Presidential candidates – have embraced Objectivism as their economic philosophy of choice. This is surprising precisely because we didn’t do anything to point them in that direction.

It’s so nice when you lot do the work for us. Less oversight on our part, more residents as a result. It’s a win-win, really.

Of course, some have discovered the connection and have tried to sound the alarm…..

The Randian Fault That Could Shake Conservatism

Tea Party Owes More to the Church of Satan Than to Jesus

What have the Tea Party and the Church of Satan got in common? Answer: the sinister Ayn Rand

Rand and the Conservatism of Doubt (with video of Ayn Rand herself on the Phil Donahue show in the 1980s)

….but it seems to be of no avail.

You may have raced beyond our wildest plans with the Objectivism angle – and more power to you, especially when it benefits our roster at the final judgement – but we definitely know why the warnings aren’t working.

Don’t you?