It Tolls for Thee

Modern literature is devoted, in great measure, to a courageous, open-eyed observation of the sickeningly broken figurations that abound before us, around us, and within…. And there is no make-believe about heaven, future bliss, and compensation, to alleviate the bitter majesty, but only utter darkness, the void of unfulfillment, to receive and eat back the lies that have been tossed forth from the womb only to fail….. Too well we know what bitterness of failure, loss, disillusionment, and ironic unfulfillment galls the blood of even the envied of the world! ~ Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces

Enough said, or shall we expound upon yet another poor little rich girl who couldn’t rid herself of her personal demons?

We thought not.

The Dark Lord’s Doings

Dearest Heathens, Sinners, Acolytes, Worshipers, and Haters:

Old Scratch’s work is literally never done. This past month flew by as we were busy making all your afterlives well, absolute Hell.

LaVey and friends outdid themselves with the New Year’s Eve shenanigans. Hell’s King and Queen of 2012, Countess Elizabeth Báthory and Vlad III (Vlad Țepeş, better known as The Impaler), were crowned just before midnight and are now the co-chairs for next year’s event. Expect a medieval theme, replete with period-correct torture devices. Only the most sadistic for you, my children.

Salvador Dali managed to make his way down to see the current exhibition in the Hall of Heads. He says Heaven doesn’t have quite the color scheme or primal energy we do when it comes to art. He was on a day pass, so don’t get any ideas: you can’t just come and go as you please. Orpheus or Dali YOU are NOT.

Remodeling of the Third Circle will begin soon. Those gluttonous bastards in the U.S. are arriving heavier than they ever have before, so the whole place needs reinforcing. Walkways, roads, floors, everything. More and more of them die every day of obesity-related illness, but do they learn? Let’s hope not, am I right? I do take such great delight in their starvation torments, especially when coupled with extreme, muscle-tearing, bone-shattering exercise. Those whiners on The Biggest Loser have NO idea.

Finally, we weren’t supposed to get Steve Jobs, but the sanctimonious asshole mentioned to You-Know-Who that he knew about the Apple product sweat shops in China. Watch out Gates, or you’re next.

Have a lovely St. Valentine’s Day, whether you spend it beating / being beaten with clubs and then beheading / getting beheaded. That is how the martyr himself spent it, you know. Also, as is tradition, Hell’s Players will be performing the 1929 Mass(acre) all day and all night in the Aragon Ballroom. The password is “Capone.”

~ The Dark Lord


Anyone who believes being gay, lesbian, bi, or transgendered is a choice has thought at least once in their own life there is a slight possibility they could be “turned.”

We know better: you who believe in such choice think about that possibility all the time. You wonder if or when the temptation will become just too great. You live in fear and dread of the day you’ll give in and join the radical LGBT agenda.

You may even go to great, offensive, unbelievable lengths to prove to the world you’re NOT GAY.

Problem is there is no gay agenda, unless you count being treated as equal human beings under the law an “agenda.” YOU all make up such nonsense as an excuse to hate those who are different from you, just as you did during the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the Civil Rights era.

You lot are so bloody predictable…’s boring, really. Someone comes along who questions or doesn’t fit the status quo and they are burned at the stake. It’s behavior that dates back to those first few generations outside the Garden, so it’s ho-hum to us. Another day amongst the primates. How droll. How banal.

We are not interested in those you martyr for your cause, whatever that cause may be. Obviously, we get very few of them here anyway.

No, we’re interested in YOU. The Haters. The ones who teach racism and homophobia to your kids so they are raised up to hate as well.

YOU are the ones who end up here. Your children, too.

But you’re only doing G-d’s will, right?

No, you’re doing what your priest or preacher told you to do. You are listening to another fallible human, a human just like you, but there is no doubt because they are holy men and their word comes from on high itself.

You really are no better than sheep, willing to spend your lives well-fed, kept from the wolves, and eventually led to the slaughter. There are no atheists in the abbatoir.

WE know what is in your priest’s or preacher’s mind and heart. Would you like a glimpse? Don’t you have an inkling already?

Perhaps you live under a rock…?

We should note it’s not just abuse of men and boys.

We could continue this all day, but then we would never get to our point:

If you constantly worry you could be “turned,” that you could somehow become gay as a life choice, you were probably BORN gay. Those born 100% heterosexual rarely entertain such thoughts, because they know they were born that way.

If your priest or preacher rails against your true nature, naming G-d’s punishment of hellfire and damnation as the only correct punishment for simply being who you are, you become envious of those who can be themselves. So envious, so hateful, you will refuse to listen to any scientific data on the subject.

In your envy – our second favorite sin, by the way – you will blame the foul tempters and temptresses around you, because it is their errant ways that, well, tempt you. They are always trying to make you give in to your perfectly natural, G-d-given instincts and feelings, aren’t they? So rather than understand and accept yourself – which your church, family, friends, and possibly your job would never allow – you will try to stamp out LGBT people.

Sometimes literally.


If there are no more out and proud gay people, YOU won’t be tempted to join them anymore.

Problem solved, yes?

Except they’re not going away. The martyrs you’ve created are only inspiring a stronger, more unified front against your fear and hatred. Isn’t it obvious the It Gets Better project was started in response to the loving, tolerant, forgiving nature of homophobes all over the world?

No? Well, no matter. Your continued fear of the different – alterophobia, it’s called – only benefits us.

Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law? Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. ~ Matthew 22:36-40

We bank on the fact that most of you can’t – or won’t – love your neighbor, let alone those who live a radically disparate life from you and yours. You can fake it to everyone there on the surface, but we’re on to you.

In case your sheep-training kicked in and you missed the point: being gay, lesbian, bi, or transgendered alone isn’t enough to end up in eternal torment, but being a hateful bigot most certainly IS.

See you when you get here.

History Lessons

Remember when the History Channel used to play shows about actual history? No paranormal claptrap or cryptozoology, no talk of extraterrestrials landing in ancient times or conjecture about other things that haven’t happened or never will. They even moved Hitler and company to their sister network, the Military Channel, so HC is pretty useless anymore.

Most of the shows relevant to our interests, however, are available on YouTube. One example is the series they produced on the seven deadlies.

You can also find show after show after show about Satan, Armageddon, and prophecy for your viewing pleasure.

What’s true and what’s not? All of it. None of it.

You’ll never know.

Lead Us Not In to Temptation

Leading people in to temptation? That’s kid stuff. Getting you all to lie, cheat, steal, and/or kill is as easy as offering you something that meshes with your base desires.

Throw a sexy stud in front of a woman with lust in her heart and you’ll have her soul in the amount of time it takes him to say, “Buy you a drink?”

“Hey, you! Yeah, the dude with the 53-inch waistline: if you eat this entire 72 ounce steak, you’ll get it for FREE.” Bada-bing! Another glutton for the home team.

Everyone knows at least one person who walks through life as a little ball of rage, ready to be set off at the slightest provocation. They’re the easiest to get to, really. Peter Cook demonstrated anger tactics nicely in the original version of the movie Bedazzled:

Not every one of the people these antics bother will lose their temper, but it’s a safe bet some of them will. Getting at anger is simple, but it works. With quotas like ours, sometimes we resort to such measures.

Some minions of Hell prefer a challenge, though. Getting a politician to book an escort? No problem. Getting a right-wing, anti-gay, true-blue conservative preacher to spend time with a male prostitute who sells him meth, which they do together before they have sex? A little easier than one might think.

Getting said politician or preacher to admit such indiscretions to friends, family, colleagues, and the general public, yet manage to keep their job or revive their career as a politician or preacher?

That is the realm of a true artist.

Some setups are so elaborate as to be compared to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel or Beethoven’s symphonies. They are things of beauty and require a talent for seeing the truly long-term – years, decades, sometimes even centuries ahead. Not only that, but the job requires the ability set up and implement such cons with the little coincidences and synchronicities going wholly unnoticed.

Of course, we can’t exactly talk about those in any detail. Just keep your eyes open and maybe you’ll catch a glimpse.

If you don’t see it, consider you’re a part of the big picture. Or next. After all, “The dead man never knows he is dead.” (Nicole Blackman)