All Dogs Go to Heaven.

But cats rule in Hell.

Think about it: dogs will do anything to please the Master. They debase themselves regularly, with submission unmatched by any other household pet, solely for the amusement of a higher power. Even punishment for infractions like jumping on guests, chewing up furniture, and constant barking is better than no attention at all.

No, there is no pride in dogs.

Cats, however, are independent to the point of arrogance. Only cats have the gravitas to believe they can live without you to provide for them. The trick is they can, but why would they? They’ve got a great thing going. They can sleep comfortably, be fed daily, and misbehave at will.

Oh, yes they can. How many times does a cat get smacked? They don’t, because most of them don’t bother to misbehave in the first place. It takes a lot of energy to act out and most cats just aren’t interested. At worst, they get sprayed with water when they start clawing the furniture, but mostly they are forgiven instantly, the infraction forgotten nearly as quickly as it started.

No, when cats act up, you all draw up funny cartoons and animations about it.

Like dogs, some humans go to great lengths to submit to a higher power. Believing isn’t enough; they have to do tricks. Go to services regularly, pray up to five times a day, hate anyone who is different or believes differently, do volunteer work, take the literature literally, vote the way their told, and give their hard-earned money to the organization that claims to speak for the Master.

Yet even though they’ve learned every trick and can perform each one with near-perfect timing, their Master still debases them with ridiculous “tests” of loyalty.

You can’t have the maple bacon, but here’s some cancer, famine, natural disasters, car accidents, and war to test your faith. They suffer it all gladly, because even a beating with a rolled-up newspaper is better than being ignored.

On the other hand, some humans, like cats, truly submit to no one. They may act like it at times, but they know in their heart they’d get along just fine without someone or something lording over them every moment of the day. They don’t act out, because being a bad person takes a lot more energy than just being decent. Since they don’t ask anything of a higher power, there is no such thing as a “test;” their faith is in knowing This too shall pass, and it does…..because forgiveness comes quickly to those who give it to themselves.

Meow.

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