Idle Hands

In works of labour, or of skill,
I would be busy too;
For Satan finds some mischief still
For idle hands to do.

~ Isaac Watts
“Against Idleness and Mischief” (1715)

The only thing worse than idle hands is an idle mind.
~ Anton Szandor Lavey
Founder and High Priest of the Church of Satan
“Satan Speaks!” (1998)

Faith without question makes good sheep. Have you chosen your shepherd wisely?

The Committee

(clockwise from top left) The grand-stander with a temper; the do-gooder who wants to peer into each bedroom and then justify state-sanctioned bigotry on what he finds there; the 1%’er who stands for everything the GOP stands for, yet is being vilified by his own party for simply doing exactly what a “job creator” does; and the Libertarian who sounds reasonable enough until you ask about the U.S. financial system or the economy in general.

Congratulations, Replublicans: we could not possibly have chosen better ourselves.

P.S. Obama isn’t the anti-Christ. Really. Would we lie to you?

When You’re Evil

The Dark Lord has a lot of minions to do his dirty work. Voltaire isn’t one of them, but he certainly seems to know a lot about it.

I pledge my allegiance, to all things dark
And I promise on my damned soul
To do as I am told, Beelzebub
Has never seen a soldier quite like me
Not only does his job, but does it happily.

It’s kind a theme song down here, especially for those with topside permits. Doing evil is rather easy, or at least you lot make it that way.

Your tears are all the pay we’ll ever need.

The Pool

We were surprised to find that the term dead pool was not yet defined at one of our favorite websites, Urban Dictionary.

No matter. It has been added and is now in the hands of the site’s moderators for approval, which never takes long.

Meanwhile, for those who don’t know, a dead pool is a bet on which celebrities or public figures will die during a given period of time. All participants agree on the amount to bet and choose 10 famous people for their individual list. The person who guesses the most deaths during the time period, usually a year, wins the cash from the pool.

Hell always knows who’s going to die and when. We have to prep appropriate punishments, which can take years to get perfectly right. Our recent post about Penn State was written just hours before Joe Paterno passed, but the nature of his eternal torment was planned so it could begin the very microsecond he arrived.

You can imagine a dead pool wouldn’t be any fun here – there would be no surprises. Instead, we have a Hell pool, where we bet on where each of those famous folk will end up: down here or up there.

It sounds like we’d know, but truly, there have been surprises every time. Christopher Hitchens. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Liberace (being gay, even flamboyantly so, does not mean one is hellbound, thank you). Salvador Dali. Our biggest shock of the last decade was Anna Nicole Smith; turns out turning destruction inward is a good thing in the eyes of Heaven. Even the thief who hung on a cross next to Jesus Christ himself was forgiven at the end and taken up.

Then [the thief] said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” ~ Luke 23:41-42

Deathbed confessions may not be fair, but they work.

You can play along with this year’s Hell pool if you like. No, we’re not going to tell you who we’re expecting to receive in 2012 – we rather prefer the shock of it all – but each time someone famous kicks it this year, ask yourself if they were actually a good person or a rotten piece of feces deserving of the pit. Keep track of the 10 you are absolutely sure will suffer here for eternity and we’ll provide a list at the end of the year. As with a dead pool, the one with the most correct guesses wins.

There is no prize but knowledge. What kind of life does it take to see the pearly gates? To sit at the right hand of G-d? What kind of person goes to hell and has their entrails eviscerated hard, fast, and continuously for all time? Where on the scale do YOU fit?

Ah, see? It always comes back to you. Selfish creatures, you humans, but curious, too. Some of you will want to play along, we know it.

Jump into the pool – the water’s fine.

Symbology 101 – Baphomet

The word baphomet dates back through the ages and as far back as the Knights Templar. Modern scholars believe it is a corruption of the word Muhammed (by way of Old French, Mahomet), which makes sense in the way one religion is always trying to make another look like heresy.

The most popular version of the Baphomet was hand drawn by Eliphas Lévi in the 1850s.

If one believes what is said in church / mosque / synagogue, the Baphomet figure is THE central symbol of Satanism. Though it has been co-opted by many pagan and occult movements, including the Golden Thelema of Aleister Crowley, only the Sigil of Baphomet – an inverted pentagram with a goat’s head – is officially used in Satanism.

As with a lot of symbols, the Baphomet is much more than meets the eye; it’s an amalgamation, including the pagan goat god (or Pan), who stands in for man as unforgiven sinner. Lévi wrote [from Wikipedia, all emphases ours]:

The goat on the frontispiece carries the sign of the pentagram on the forehead, with one point at the top, a symbol of light, his two hands forming the sign of occultism, the one pointing up to the white moon of Chesed, the other pointing down to the black one of Geburah. This sign expresses the perfect harmony of mercy with justice. His one arm is female, the other male like the ones of the androgyne of Khunrath, the attributes of which we had to unite with those of our goat because he is one and the same symbol. The flame of intelligence shining between his horns is the magic light of the universal balance, the image of the soul elevated above matter, as the flame, whilst being tied to matter, shines above it. The beast’s head expresses the horror of the sinner, whose materially acting, solely responsible part has to bear the punishment exclusively; because the soul is insensitive according to its nature and can only suffer when it materializes. The rod standing instead of genitals symbolizes eternal life, the body covered with scales the water, the semi-circle above it the atmosphere, the feathers following above the volatile. Humanity is represented by the two breasts and the androgyne arms of this sphinx of the occult sciences.

Harmony? Justice? Mercy?! NOT evil. Moreover, fire, air, water, man, woman, up, and down are all pagan concepts. Hence, the Baphomet simply isn’t the embodiment of evil most uninformed people consider it today.

Knowledge is power. We like power.

(More resources may be found here.)

Hell Isn’t for Children

But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. ~ Luke 18:16

We don’t get the whole touching little kids thing. There’s a special place here for pedophiles, but still, we just don’t get it. Who but the most evil among you would molest – and possibly permanently damage the body and/or psyche of – a child?

Children are strictly OFF LIMITS down here. That’s right, no matter what Pat Benetar sang in the 80s, Hell isn’t FOR children; Hell HAS NO children. This is because kids are innocents and therefore the property of G-d. The Dark Lord himself is even ashamed of the folks at Penn State.

We look forward to having Sandusky, Paterno, and everyone else involved in this despicable scandal in our clutches, some sooner rather than later. We’ve upgraded the Tentacle 5000 recently and can’t wait to see what it’s capable of now.

The Tentacle 5000, for those who haven’t seen it in all its majestic glory, is a machine first thought up in the dreams of a small, shy Japanese gent who then wrote it into the demon-raping scenes of the infamous anime movie, Urotosukidoji. Or was it his nightmares? It’s so hard to tell with the Japanese…..

Anyway, we think you get the point. Child fuckers get fucked, but not in a good way, for all eternity. Which, we think you’ll agree, is exactly how it should be.