Doug Stanhope’s Celebrity Death Pool.

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Aaah, Doug Stanhope. One of our favorites here, not just for his words, but for his actions.

DSCDP Title

We can’t exactly play along on his latest adventure. That would be cheating. We already know who’s on the death list for 2013. Our architects, contractors, and the entire Eternal Torment Department are always very busy readying wretched spaces and hellish tortures for those on the highway to here. How could we give each damned soul their personal, precise, fitted version of Hell if we don’t know their arrival date?

That doesn’t mean YOU can’t play, though. Click here for all the details.

Truly, It Must Suck.

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You’ve got some people who love you, some people who fear you, and some people who don’t even think you exist… nobody calls you by the same fuckin’ name… some people think you have multiple personalities and refer to different things you do by different names. Sometimes, people get so crazy that they start killing each other in your name, neither side realizing that the other guys are really following the same entity.

From a blog post, “It Must Suck to be God” by M. Brode.

Waiting for the Worms

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Once in awhile, your topside scientists get a little too close. This time, they’ve discovered the first layer of our worms.

We use these little babies to dispose of the remnants of those who are skinned alive regularly. Depending on a soul’s damnation schedule, this can happen hourly, weekly, or monthly and all that rotting flesh, if left to sit around, would just get in the way of our other work.

It may surprise some, but Hell has never had to “go green” – we’ve been environmentally-friendly from the outset. We have all sorts of creatures and minions to take care of our waste, leaving room for the rest of our many torturous delights. The entire Gluttony section is dedicated to feeding refuse and stench to the damned, so really, there isn’t much left to keep the worms happy anyway.

We’re not worried about the digging, either. Scientists will never dig deep enough to find us. Security is, after all, some of the tightest in the universe, and provided by none other than G-d Himself.

Oh, we’re sorry. Were you under the impression He wouldn’t do such a thing? Well, take a moment and consider what Christianity would be without the threat of eternal damnation and torment.

Yep: Buddhism.